Here one day Gone one night

2007-06-23T14:09:00.000+08:00

i'm caught in a fix. completely helpless. it seems like everything i do would inevitably result in a negative. to care would be an awfully grave mistake and yet, not to care an even larger one. is there an in-between? if only it was so easy to semi-care. if only i could be like you.

i've lost myself. i've become the unimaginable. maybe it really is 'all my fault', to think that change was possible. to think that it was everlasting. so easy to put into words yet practically impossible to put into action. i ~~was~~ am the fool who believed it. the stupid girl who fell in love.

it's absolutely marvellous how something so minute could escalate into something completely uncalled for. words summoned by Rage leave scars as a reminder that it would never quite be over. that for every good, an ugly awaits us. a vicious wheel that spins uncontrollably. could somebody stop it?

i've said it before and i'll say it again: i don't want to be here anymore.

2007-06-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

it was Hui Yi's 19th birthday yesterday so Fan and I decided to take her out for the day. we met at clarke quay where i was fashionably late and then went down to Border's Bistro for really late lunch. the birthday girl INSISTED on taking neoprints after, which Fan and I reluctantly did. sigh. and then came the icing on the cake - the GMAX Reverse Bungy. oh god. i was completely terrified. it was 2 minutes of pure nightmare but i'm sure glad i did it. haha=) Hui Yi left after for dinner with her family while Fan and I went for a beer at Molly Malone's. after 6 months, i finally got to see Fan's workplace. i absolutely love the whole wooden irish country bar concept. felt like i was in the 50s.

i woke up at 2+ in the afternoon today and met Stace for lunch/tea at Thai Express. had the usual calamaris and minced chicken. yummy! and then it was off to Cold Storage for some grocery shopping for the pasta i made for dinner which by the way, turned out rather bland. kind of disappointing but i was trying to go for a healthy dinner considering all that steak and cream soup i've been making over the past month.

my 2 days off went by so fast. it's back to work tmr. sigh. kind of can't wait for uni to start. i've had enough of the working world. another 5 more weeks at Hard Rock, 2 weeks of complete relaxation and then the long awaited university. i hope it's as fun as many claim it is.

And I'd give all the world tonight,
to be with you.

2007-05-19T15:16:00.000+08:00

so easily bought. so easily bruised.

a strange phase. i can't explain it, can't understand it. more importantly, i didn't see it coming. ever. its origin remains a mystery. however, there is that one aspect that i'm quite certain of - i don't want to be here anymore. i don't like these emotions. i don't like this behaviour and worst of all, i despise making the same mistake twice.

i'm not ungrateful. just not a material girl.

leave? if only the answer was as simple as that. if only all lives' problems could easily be solved by running away. truth be told, it can't. a part of me regrets hanging on for a whole year yet another part is glad that i did. i fear regret. i want to make a decision without the least bit of doubt. no what ifs. no should haves. no going back on my word.

my question would be, how do you know when to give up and when to hold on? have i cast a blind eye to all the subtle hints and forced myself to live in oblivion? or do i just have an overactive imagination. so many ways to go about this. so many perspectives to view.

day in and day out, i wait for that flashing arrow that points me in the right direction but it never comes.

the heart's heavy. the mind's cluttered. there's no space for reasoning. would somebody solve this for me? i'm tired. i'll give you the scenario and the end product, you pave the way for me. i'm incapable of making the right decision but then again, there is no right or wrong. it's just a decision, a conclusion. period. take me away from here. erase all memory, please?

So you can leave like the sane abandoned me

2007-05-15T15:10:00.001+08:00

so much for looking forward to work on friday night. it turned out that the whole of hard rock was booked for a private function so that meant - no navy. only old rowdy ah pek men who behaved like they were in some sort of kopitiam. sigh. i got home exceptionally tired and even more emotional. i was having one of my moments. sorry for the random outburst baby.

i spent my entire saturday working - 12pm till 11pm. that was mighty exhausting. ara, roach and stace came down for dinner so that was rather relieving. after i was done with work, i stayed on in hard rock to drink with stace and ara since it was ladies night and may that be the last time i ever drink there again. my bartenders kept giving us undrinkable concoctions and on top of that, vick bought us a tequila pop and the ultimate killer, a waterfall which inevitably led to stacey throwing up in the toilet and ara and i barfing our hearts out outside. i reckon ara and i had alcohol poisoning considering we drank most of the waterfall and continued our barfing spree the next morning. just the thought of it now makes my stomach churn.

i spent the whole of sunday recovering from saturday's episode and barely eating. what a way to spend Mother's Day. at about 12am(early monday morning), i left my place to meet charles' friends to surprise my charlie boy at his place with a cake since it was his 20th birthday. eventhough it was a short while, it felt good to see him after 2 whole weeks of absence.

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY HONEY!!!!!!!!!!

it was back to work on monday night and of course, there was no end to the teasing i got for making an utter fool of myself on saturday night. sigh. i ended work at 11pm and came home straight after for some much deserved rest.

I'm lost without you
Can't help myself
How does it feel?
To know that I love you baby

2007-05-11T14:49:00.000+08:00

the navy's in town! the navy's in town! that means great tips from even better looking guys. SCORE! haha. this would be one of the few occasions when i actually look forward to work. who'd ever thought that i'd be glad to spend my Friday night working. fun! fun! fun! i think they all should be gone by Sunday though.

i've finally decided to resume my ballet classes. this time, i'm gonna make it a point to go for class at least twice a week cause missing them gravely affects my flexibility or currently, my lack of it and plus, i think i'm getting pudgy around the edges=\. i'm gonna join a lyrical jazz class too. i figured i might as well make full use of my time and money earned to do something constructive before uni starts and lose some weight as well, for Professor Scott*wink*. haha.

2007-05-09T18:59:00.000+08:00

You and me, meant to be
Immutable, impossible
It's destiny, pure lunacy
Incalculable, insufferable

But for the last time,
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Protected and the lover of

A pure soul and beautiful,
Don't understand, don't feel me now
I will breathe for the both of us.
Travel the world, traverse the skies
Your home is here, within my heart.

And for the first time,
I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as a child and mystic sage

And for the first time,
I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for your every move
And waking sound in my time.
I wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever, now.

Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for
Who wouldn't be the one you love?

2007-05-05T20:58:00.000+08:00

it is the green-eyed monster that doth mocks the meat it feeds on

it never ends, does it? it plays games with your mind, poisoning it with all sorts of sick thoughts. truly blessed yet willing to sacrifice it all for something unchangeable, insignificant, non-existant? it was never over. it will never be over. tranquilized for a moment, only to be revived soon enough. so utterly delusional yet completely certain that all is true. a keen sense of imagination forced into reality. the past and the present conjoined into one. a neverending journey - no slip-roads, no detours, no escape.

mock me why don't you? i laugh at myself too.

2007-05-01T22:11:00.000+08:00

my fatty ratty came to pick me up after work on friday (sucha doll) and then we were off to meet charles at holland v for dinner. i finally broke the news to him that i got into NTU. can't believe the most important person in my life is the last to know. haha. we had drinks at siem reap as a mini-celebration and then went back to my place for a bit. i fell in love with you all over again.

saturday was well spent as well. stace and i went for the YMCA Open House where we bought a whole load of stuff - candy floss, muffins, brownies, konyaku jelly, bags etc. just as we were leaving, we couldn't resist checking out one of those little jewellery stands along the road and sure enough, we blew 78 bucks over there. sigh. a major hole in my pocket.

i went back home, got changed and went for an International Buffet at Goodwood Park Hotel with my SR class. it was so good to see everyone again...well almost everyone. after dinner, it was down to Zouk to meet my girls. there was some Motorola Fashion Award thing going on which we paid no attention to. i have finally concluded that Zouk sucks. i swear, MOS beats it any day. i just hate that place so much and i vow never to step foot into it ever again, unless it's Velvet or the WineBar. i crashed at charlie's that night, having to wake him up at 2 in the morning just to open the gate for me. sucha sweetheart=)

we went for morning mass at st mike's together on sunday morning and then it was to Chinatown for brunch with matt, leonard and ben. i called in sick for work on sunday cause i woke up with an exceptionally swollen right-eye and there was no chance in hell i was going to work looking like an ogre and therefore, i spent the rest of my sunday catching up on lost sleep=)

it was back to work on monday. a pretty crap day cause it was exceptionally busy considering today's a public holiday. ara and gerard came down as well so i joined them after i knocked off at 11pm. the 3 of us sat drinking with aayus, ramesh and lisha while the kumar show was going on. after closing, we went for supper at macs and then chilled out at 7'11 with the rest of the hard rock guys. by the time we decided to head back, it began to pour so we all seeked shelter at coffee bean until 6:30 in the morning when ara, gerard and i finally decided to make a run for it and catch a cab home.

Happy Labour Day! i spent today with my charlie boy until he had to book into camp. i woke up pretty late so we didn't get to spend that much time together but i did make it up to him by sending him halfway to camp=)

Come over here
There's something I want to say
Before you disappear

I'll make things clear
There's more to you and me
I hope that you see it somehow

2007-04-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

OMFG!!!!!!!!! i just got the best news in the entire world!!!! I GOT INTO NTU ENGLISH!!! i can't fucking believe it!! i went for an interview about 2 weeks ago but i kept it on the low in fear that if i got rejected, i'll just look like a complete idiot. i can't believe i'm actually going to uni now AND doing the course that i always wanted as well! this is so fucking awesome! now i finally know the why i had spent 2 dreadful years in SR. the saying must be true: everything happens for a reason.

things have been going very well in my life so far. now i feel bad for skipping mass for the past 2 weeks. i'll make it up to God this weekend. promise. last weekend was so wonderfully excellent. charlie and I went for Mark's 18th birthday and then we went our seperate ways - him to Zouk and I to MOS. it's been sucha long time since i went clubbing and it felt good to be back in the game. i was so happy to see Ross again after he'd disappeared for an entire year. charlie came by at about 3 plus and we went for supper at Mackers before heading home. it was so amazing spending quality time with him after the past 2 awful weekends.

work on Sunday was fantastic as well. not only did i not fuck up anything, but these 2 British guys whom i met a week ago came by for dinner and drinks. they're not the "sleazy i-wanna-fuck-you" kinda guys. they were genuine nice people and only a year elder to me. they went to phuket for a week and decided to come by hard rock to say hi to me while on their 2 day transit before heading back to England. i spent almost the entire night talking to them and it really sucked when they had to leave. we took pictures and then exchanged email addresses. i walked them to the door and couldn't resist giving them a hug goodbye. it really felt like we'd been friends for a very long time. i guess working in the service-line has helped me differentiate the sleazy from the genuine nice and honestly, you don't meet much of the latter.

Note: i am NOT cheating on my boyfriend. the British guys are JUST friends. i love my charlie boy WAY too much and he knows that=)

I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
And keep me safe from harm
But if I come to you
Tell me will you stay
Or will you run away

2007-04-11T00:05:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows
Just why we're here
Could it be fate
Or random circumstance
At the right place
At the right time
Two roads intertwine

And if the universe conspired
To meld our lives
To make us
Fuel and fire
Then know where ever you will be
So too shall I be

Remember how we laughed
Until we cried
At the most stupid things
Like we were so high
But love was all that we were on
We belong

And though the world would never understand
This unlikely union
And why it still stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes
From your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears
Wounded heart

In my arms
Through the long cold night
Sleep tight
You'll be safe here

When no one understands
I'll believe
You'll be safe here

Put your heart in my hands

2007-04-05T13:12:00.000+08:00

tuesday was a rather fruitful day. woke up at about 3pm and met stace for our little lunch date at Thai Express. i still can't get over the Thai calamaris. they were too good. after lunch ( lunner, whatever you want to call it),we went over to Cold Storage to do some grocery shopping for my Cajun Chicken Caesar Salad which i was gonna make for dinner (btw, it turned out FANTASTIC!) and that's where it happened. there was NO CAESAR DRESSING. devastating. thoughts raced through my mind: how could i make CAESAR salad with no CAESAR dressing? would Ranch be a good substitute?. ABSOLUTELY NOT!

we walked over to NTUC where the 2nd rejection took place. i was feeling rather demoralised by then but stacey was with me to spur me on. we took a cab down to Jelita Cold Storage. i could just tell from the moment i entered the supermarket that i was in for my 3rd rejection with Stacey holding my hand and "I'll Be There" playing over the radio (we looked like something out of a music video). i had guessed correctly. i was on the verge of giving up but i had to give it one last shot. we took a bus down to Coronation's NTUC, "OUT OF STOCK" was plasted all over the Caesar Dressing labels. that was the last straw. 4 rejections in a row was just way too much for me to handle. stacey called Justin who works as a Head Chef at Cellar Door, a block down from Coronation. we met him at the back door where he gave me my long-awaited Caesar Dressing. Justin saves the day=)

Do you feel somethin happenin?
Could this be for real?

2007-04-03T00:10:00.000+08:00

i'm so pissed. my fucking internet isn't working on my laptop since my dad changed the modem to this apparent better one. argh! it's gonna be like the last time, where i had to sit in my baywindow to steal a connection from one of my neighbours' until my laptop suddenly decided to work after 9 FUCKING MONTHS! ARGH! we gotta free laptop with the new modem so i guess i'll be using this until my laptop decides to acknowledge the presence of my new modem which i reckon should be about sometime NEXT YEAR! ok i don't wanna talk about it anymore.

work's been absolutely fantabulous! i'm having the time of my life there. after so many weeks, the truth it finally out and i've more or less settled that prevailing issue. i've realised that it's either you have everything or you want nothing at all, so i've taken the initiative to make that decision for you. i chose the latter which has become rather evident over the past 2 days. i figured hostility is the only way to break this vicious cycle. sorry honey, but life goes on doesn't it?

i didn't get to see my charlie boy this weekend which is rather upsetting. thing's hadn't been looking too good for us over the past week but it seems to be getting alot better now. i guess we'll be back to normal once he books out on thursday. it's been sucha long time since we've gone over a week without seeing each other. the distance is beginning to affect me.

I’ll be there when your heart stops beating
I’ll be there when your last breath's taken away
In the dark when there’s no one listening
In the times when we both get carried away

2007-03-27T23:39:00.000+08:00

hard rock last night was rather busy. tho ara came down with her friends for dinner, i didn't get to talk to her much. sorry bunz! Kumar's show was pretty damn good as well. there were this group of Europeans who got dissed by kumar so badly that they ended up storming out after his first set. they were assholes anyway. you could tell they had the whole "whites are superior to asians" mentality. after closing, ara, stace, stace's new-found friend Justin and I went down to Balcony for some drinks. it was pretty cool hanging out with the new guy, other than the fact that he looks like he's 16 when he's actually 29 YEARS OLD! he reminds me so much of Ross which later turns out that he's from Sydney as well. maybe it's an Aussie thing. i can't quite make an opinion on this guy yet but he seems rather up there about himself. arrogance is a BIG no-no for me. sorry stace. but then again, who am i to say?

I wanna fall from the stars
Straight into your arms

2007-03-25T15:20:00.000+08:00

charlie and i had our long awaited celebration last night. a combination of our 1 yr, 1 yr 1mth, 1 yr 2 mths anniversaries and valentine's day as well. we wined and dined at The Altivo Bar at Mt Faber which had a magnificent view of the tree tops and the sea. it was simply beautiful. after dinner we went back to his place where he passed out. how romantic. i stayed there for a bit and then let myself out at 11 to meet ara, kris and stace at holland v. i was actually suppose to go to MOS with ryan and all but it just didn't feel like a clubbing night. anywho, we went for drinks at eski bar and then it was over to kris' for a girly night. we sat around eating popcorn and watching John Tucker Must Die. yet again, we integrated ourselves into the show. you don't have to be Ben anymore ara. haha.

amidst all the enjoyment, i think i'm getting withdrawal symptoms from quitting smoking, which is rather odd cause i never considered myself a heavy smoker to begin with. hmmm. i called in sick for work tonight cause the flu's getting to me and on top of that, i feel a fever creeping up. sigh. i'm gonna watch Hotel Rwanda now and i could really do with some Ben & Jerry's as well. mmmm...yum=)

2007-03-21T22:44:00.000+08:00

i miss studying. i miss mugging. i miss going for lectures and tutorials. i miss taking notes. i miss school.

i never thought i would ever hear myself say all that, but now that i've experienced working-life, things have taken a little turn. after all those times i complained non-stop while preparing for my A's, i actually wish i could go back to that period of time in my life. i guess the saying is true: the grass is always greener on the otherside. mankind will just simply never be contented with where they are in life. sad but true.

i just got back from dinner with my charlie boy. he got his 1st Night Out since he got posted to Military Police. it was nice to see him after our little tiff over the weekend. things are finally looking up for us...until the next argument arises. haha. in about an hour would be me and charles 1 year 2 month anniversary. like i say on every anniversary, "i can't believe we made it!". haha. on 2nd thoughts, i actually am able to believe that we've made it this far. we're fighting a lot less compared to exactly a year ago, so i guess we've more or less settled our differences. quite an achievement i might add.

And it's the stars that shine for you
And it's the stars that lie to you

2007-03-17T11:59:00.000+08:00

ok so i've disappeared for a good 1 mth 2 weeks and 2 days. i guess it's just way too exhausting to write about my life after being on my feet for 8 hours.

so work's been great. i'm trying my best not too fuck up since the Valentine's Day incident where this old white guy got so pissed off that i didn't bring his dessert out that he complained to my manager and then my manager had to give him a free tee-shirt from the Rock Shop to calm him down. oops. my bad. haha. well since then, i've never forgotten ANYONE'S dessert. haha.

all in all, i like working in Hard Rock, except for a certain individual who either makes my work-life exceptionally difficult or my personal life. i can't seem to decide which is worse but i guess i've unknowingly made the decision to keep my personal life untouched and plainly suck it up during work. there's only one word to classify this: BLACKMAIL.

so as we all know, the A level results are out and SURPRISE SURPRISE, guess who passed everything?? haha. i know, it's fucking amazing. in comparison, to all the other candidates, my grades are pretty shit but if you look through my report book, this is the biggest fucking achievement ever! haha. right now, i'm just trying to finish up all my uni applications. ntu and smu have been semi-done but i haven't even started on nus which makes me question if i should even bother applying to nus. no harm trying right? if not, it'll be SIM here i come!

my social life's been even better since stacey came back. i still can't believe she's home!! we've spent almost every available day with each other, like some lesbian couple or something. haha. she comes to Hard Rock at 2 in the morning after working at ICB, i surprise her at her work place, i follow her to NEC for her eye check up, we go grocery shopping together, cook together and what not. we really should consider moving in together right stace? hahaha. things among the Hoes have been excellent. it's so great knowing that even after graduating from IJ 2 yrs and 3 mths ago, we're still as close as ever. i reckon this would last a pretty long time.

onto my love life. yes, i'm still with my dearest charlie boy. it's been 1 yr 1 mth 3 weeks and 2 days. with all the break-ups happening around me, it makes me wonder how long we would actually last. no one seems to believe in "forever" anymore. ANYWAY, i followed charlie to the hospital on wednesday cuz he had some breathing problem, turns out he's got an enlarged tissue in his nasal passage that prevents him from breathing through his nose so he's gotta go for surgery in May to get it removed. according to the doctor, the growth of the tissue was aggravated by smoking so now he's finally making a conscious effort to stop. and since i know how exceptionally hard it is for him, i'm stopping as well, so he doesn't feel so alone=) i should get the World's Best Girlfriend Award or something. haha.

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could break us

2007-02-01T15:09:00.000+08:00

work was pretty good today. after 2 weeks of training and being constantly monitored by my trainers, they finally let me have my own station of 3 tables, one of which VJ Colby was sitting at. he's so fucking cute i swear but i kinda get that subtle arrogant vibe from him. other than that, he was rather nice to me. SCORE! haha. tips today accumulated to 15 bucks. that's pretty alright for 4 hours of work. tmr's gonna be yet another late night. PM shift can get rather tiring but it's alright. i'm still looking forward to it. it's gonna be the last night for the ASEAN Rocks concert which i'm rather grateful for actually. the heavy metal's really getting to me. i could do with some acoustic songs while working and communicating to your customers through sign language isn't exactly very attractive.

I was blown away
What could I say
It all seemed to make sense.
You're taking away everything
And I can't do without.

I try to see the good in life.
The good things in life are hard to find.
We're blowin away
Can we make this something good?

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily

You can't let this get away
Let it out
Don't get caught up in yourself
Let it out.

We'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over
Lets start over

2007-01-30T19:13:00.000+08:00

work's great. i love it so much. not only do i meet people from all over the world, the tips seem to be increasing day by day. for the 1st time, i'm genuinely happy with what i'm doing and believe it or not, i actually look forward to work.

although my job's wonderful, it's taking a major toll on my relationship. our break times never seem to coincide so we usually end up missing each others' calls almost everyday. weekends are no better either cause of my neverending social life. sigh. well i'm done with complaining and whining about our current situation. you're right, there's nothing we can do about it. we both know things have turned out this way cause of the choices i made: my job, my social life etc. it's obviously my fault. i'm happy yet unhappy at the same time. i just wish by some miracle that things would get better. but right now, it all seems so impossible.

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here

After all this while
Would you ever want to leave?

2007-01-22T14:33:00.000+08:00

HAPPY ONE YEAR BABY!

now this i really can't believe. i never thought i would ever have a one year anniversary with anyone but i guess i thought wrong. i shan't get emotional now cuz you know exactly how i feel.

i've got a job!!! finally. gone are the days of bumming around at home. i never knew waitressing was this tiring tho. for the past 3 days, i've come home with an aching back and sore knees. i think i'm getting old. apart from the physical torture, i really like it at Hard Rock. my managers are really great and so are my co-workers. I think i'm the youngest there tho. work starts at 6pm today. i reckon i'll be home late again. 4:30am if i'm lucky. Ngak's gonna be performing and Kumar's got his show too. i hope it's not gonna be too busy tonight. my feet could really do with some rest.

i'll always be yours

2007-01-11T18:21:00.000+08:00

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold, and it feels like the end
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in

So far away, I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close, and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend

Hear me when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly

There's nothing you can say
And nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you

2007-01-08T13:23:00.000+08:00

it's settled. we're back to being happy again. though i've cried bucket fulls, i woke up this morning completely oblivious to my rather dramatic weekend. the 14 hours of sleep did me good. love prevails indeed.

i'm off for 2 interviews today. i hope i get at least one of them. it sucks to helplessly watch my bank account dwindling away.

we'll pull through this.
Just don't give up on me.

2007-01-07T14:24:00.000+08:00

i don't think anyone can actually comprehend this twisted love i possess. no matter how many tears are shed, sleepless nights or fits of rage i break out into, i'm still genuinely happy. with all honesty, it's still sunshine and flowers inside of me but i don't know why i always feel like there's this constant need to fight/argue. maybe in some insane way, i enjoy that "kiss and make up" feeling. it somehow reassures me that no matter what the circumstance, that love still prevails and that it would never degenerate under any cause. perhaps i'm pushing the boundaries a little here but it seems that its become a natural instinct for me to declare war. maybe this is some crazy way for me to gain the attention i desire. just the thought of knowing that there'll always be that someone right beside me to chase those grey skies away. i just don't understand. no matter how many hours i lie in bed dissecting myself, trying desperately to come up with some logical explanation, i just end up falling asleep with a million questionable pieces. but then there's always been that one thing that has kept me going which i can safely say i never once had a doubt, my love for you.

2006-12-18T00:30:00.000+08:00

i've been so utterly busy this entire week. if i wasn't at dance rehearsal, i would probably be somewhere with my boyfriend or at home. i've barely had the chance to meet up with my girls since they either were busy with poly exams or working.

despite being exceptionally exhausted from dancing almost everyday this week, i've probably had one of the most beautiful weeks ever with the guy i love most. for the 1st time this year, we got to see each other almost every day of the week. it was simply amazing. from supper at adam rd or yassin to our numerous trips to sim lim square to sipping on our customary red wine at Villa Bali to putting up his christmas tree or even just bumming at his place taking turns to play Need for Speed. it was great only cuz it happened with him. it's funny how i assumed before that if we were to approach our one year mark, i would have grown utterly uninterested and bored of this relationship and now, it seems to have all turned out the exact opposite. i still get those butterflies in my tummy when i see a msg from him or when he calls, exactly how things were like when we first started going out. we've grown so much closer over these past few days. it truly is beautiful.

this weekend's gonna be ultra special to me. not only am i having a massive house party on friday, it's also gonna be me and my charlie boy's 11 months. i'm pretty bummed out that both my bestfriend and my boyfriend can't be present for my 18th party. but it's ok, you guys will be with me at heart. like ya'll have always been. christmas for me this year is gonna be alot different from all the other years. for the 1st time, i've someone i'm so in love with to share this day with. usually my boyfriends never last till christmas. haha.

my baby boy's booking back into camp in exactly 6 hours. i'm gonna miss him so much. hopefully i'll be too pre-occupied with preparing for tuesday's performance and friday's party to notice this sudden void. things are looking so much brighter for us. i don't just love you. there's so much more to it.

I think about your face, and how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace, around the one that I call mine
A time that called for space, unclear where you drew the line
I don't need to solve this case, and I don't need to look behind

Do I expect to change the past I hold inside
With all the words I say repeating over in my mind
Some things you can't erase, no matter how hard you try
An exit to escape is all there is left to find

I need to let go of this pride
Until this echo in my mind
Until this echo can subside

Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste asking why
I'll run away with you by my side...

2006-12-08T00:10:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder why i even bother planning my day. it never happens the way i expect it too.

so tuesday's agenda was completely scrapped. instead, i went for contemp rehearsal and then went to iguana's for margaritas with ryan, jo, nat, andre, jia, chanel and porky. we all went to Attica at about 1am for SAJC's post-prom party. omg. i've never seen so many chinese people at Attica in my whole entire clubbing life. the party wasn't as bad as i thought it would be partly because we bought a bottle and then jasmine, tanya and bo came and they bought champagne. after getting completely sloshed and barfing a grand total of 6 times, i've come up with a conclusion that tequila + vodka with champagne on top is a BIG no-no for me. i haven't been this drunk since the British Club new bar opening months ago. that was a rather embarrassing night.

i spent wednesday recovering from my hangover at charlie's place. sorry i was so out of it the whole day. we went down to sim lim square in the afternoon cuz charles wanted to check out the PSPs while i just looked at handphones and laptops. i finally saw my Nokia 7390 in real life. it looked wayyyyyyy better on nokia.com. i guess i don't really like the off-whiteness and it just isn't classy enough for me. haha. i think i might switch to a samsung instead. they've got nice flippies.

since andrea got back from melbourne on tuesday night, i went over to her place after charlie's for dinner and to spend the night there too. ended up helping out with the christmas cake which was not fun at all. we stayed up till 2 just looking at photos and catching up on a years' gossip. we woke up at 11ish and went down to the airport for lunch. having Popeye's reminded me of those days when me and my SR girls would travel from school all the way down to the airport just to have those chicken and biscuits. haha. such silly people. andrea's friend, dave was also flying off to India with his mum so we went to see them off and collect some stuff from him as well. i finally got to meet this much-talked about guy and he's probably the most charming person i've ever met. not only does he have a likeable personality, he's got this amazing smile too. very attractive. i think he definitely beats isa. my new Mr. Perfect-o. haha. manny and i then went down to town to meet madhz, anu and mel since mel's migrating to germany on sunday. we window-shopped quite a bit but i bought a pair of earrings from Forever 21. very pretty.

so i'm suppose to wake up bright and early tmr and spend the entire day with my dearest boyfriend. lets see how far that actually pulls through. i think i'm gonna shower now and then clear up my cupboard. my clothes are currently a huge mass of cloth just dumped inside. i need to do some MAJOR sorting out.

It's you and me and all of the people and
I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

2006-12-05T12:56:00.000+08:00

so shopping for me ended up being solely in one shop at concourse. since my mum's friends with the lady there, she gives a discount so i spent over an hour just picking out random clothes. i ended up leaving with 6 tops, a belt and a bag. good enough for one hour of work=) i then had dinner with my parents at this shop with fucking good sliced fish noodle soup. sorry fan but i think this one beats your aljunied. soph and jo came over at about 11 last night and we chilled by the pool till nearly 4am. ryan and kyle joined us too. can you believe it, within a span of 5 hrs, we ordered McDelivery TWICE! i swear, i'm gonna be nothing but a fat cow by the time it hits christmas. i had freaking TWO double cheeseburger meals which one of it was upsized. and after stuffing my face, i went to sleep and woke up hungry...AGAIN! i've got contemp rehearsal in 4 hrs so i don't think it'll be a good idea if i ate now. i think i'll just survive on my trusty mineral water and wait till dinner at charlie's tonight. i wonder what grandma's gonna cook. mmmm. i hope it's her mi goreng or her roti jala with chicken curry. ma favourite!

nothing in this world can stop us tonight

2006-12-04T15:00:00.000+08:00

after 3 hours of contemp on friday, my parents came to pick me up and we were off for dinner at granny's. daddy and i put up the christmas tree there which was exceptionally tiring. took us over an hour so by the time we finished it was nearly midnight. what a way to spend a friday night.

saturday was pretty well spent. i went down at 1pm for my dance performance photoshoot. although the actual picture taking of my grade took only, at most 15 mins, we were there for 4 whole hours. i swear, the grade 1's are so freaking adorable, prancing around in their little tutus. how cute. i use to be one of them over a decade ago for my first ballet performance. sigh. those were the days. after the shoot, i went home to change and then kris picked me up at 8:30 and we headed down to cafe iguana's. we picked up nat and jo along the way too. what was suppose to be just me, jo and kris ended up being a mass of 14 people, excluding the people we bumped into. i ended up bringing charles, ben and leonard together with ryan, ryan p and dames while jo came with about 5 of her SA friends. by the end of the night, i guess our 360 dollar bill was pretty reasonable right? wrong!

kris stayed the night and by the time we woke up, it was lunch time. i spent the whole of my sunday afternoon watching 3 hours of MTV's Rich Girls Marathon. i ended up turning off the telly aspiring to be some wealthy designer by the time i reach 30. yeah sure tanya, go on hoping. ah well. i went for mass by myself at 6pm cuz sophie went missing and then came home to put up yet another christmas tree with my dad. painfully exhausting yet again.

christmas shopping with my parents starts today. yay! gonna fix my long overdue broken cordless phone and then it's shopping at vivocity=) finally it's that time of the year for my yearly shopping spree. retail therapy baby!

i want you and your beautiful soul

2006-11-30T12:28:00.000+08:00

so i'm feeling alot better since monday. still got a bit of the sniffles but a lot better. must have been the panadol overdose over the past 3 days. haha.

yesterday i met naresh in town and then took a really long bus ride to Temasek Poly to meet ara and palts. poly life seems so much more relaxed and less uptight compared to being in a JC. i probably would have loved schooling there but i'm just glad i can sweep my JC days under a rug, never to be seen again. i met steph koh, ashwin and some of ara's production crew people too. then it was lunch at Sakae Sushi with naresh and palts at Century Square. ara met us at Tampines Mrt when she was done at school and then the 2 of us took a train to orchard to meet kris at liat towers starbucks. kris was helping ara with some project while i sat there reading The 5 People You Meet in Heaven. i'm only a quarter through it and i'm falling in love with it already. i disappeared into Borders yet again, this time buying a christmas CD which my dad wanted. jo came to meet us with her SA friends and then bo popped by for awhile before meeting per for dinner. when it hit 8:30, jo, kris, ara, nat and i headed to MOS burger for dinner before kris' parents sent me home. a great day with the people i love most yet again.

ok i ought to be getting ready to go for contemp now. i missed rehearsal on tuesday due to my low-immunity so i hope i'll be able to catch up on 3 hours of choreography. dance! dance! dance!

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
I may seem alright and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front

I play it off but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool but I'm feigning

My world crumbles when you are not near

2006-11-28T17:41:00.000+08:00

my plan to do some major cleaning up and head down for a swim didn't quite pull through. actually, it didn't pull through at all. i ended up following my dad to pick up my mum from work and then having some really good sliced fish noodle soup near concourse. my parents dropped me off in town after dinz since i was suppose to meet hoe, soph and sara for drinks at cuscaden. going back to our 15 year old days. haha. i was half an hour early so i decided to roam around borders with no intention of buying anything. somehow i found myself leaving with 2 books in hand - The 5 People You Meet in Heaven and Jane Eyre. i've heard about these books one too many times to give it amiss. a must-read indeed.

i met the rest at coffee bean forum and we decided to screw the cuscaden plan and buy drinks back to my place instead. sara left since she needed to pack for australia on wednesday and the 3 of us shared a cab with some beers, courtesy of hoe. ryan and kyle joined us at the BBQ pit followed my per and bo...and the mcdonald's delivery guy (soph and i were starving). there were a few jap and chinese kids having a little party at the pit behind us and they left leaving some of their bottles behind. so being little scavengers, we finished their baileys and took a quarter of what was left of their Chivas home. haha. by 2 everyone was dead beat so we called it a night.

daddy pulled me out of bed at 7:30am to follow him to the hospital for his eye check up which i did so with as little fuss as possible. had breakfast of kaya toast and hot milo at the hospital and then it was down to town cuz daddy needed to go to the bank. instead of sitting in the car patiently waiting for him, i couldn't resist going into borders for a second look around(i'm sucha nerd). this time i left with a Cosmopolitan (not the drink, unfortunately).

all these crazy days has left me with the sniffles and a blasted fever. i hope it goes away soon. ok hoe's come over to visit her little sick slut. yay!

2006-11-27T10:43:00.000+08:00

it's been a crazy couple of days. i feel like i crammed the weekends of a whole entire month into a span of 6 days. i think i'm not use to partying so hard yet. it's a a big adjustment for me from mentally draining myself till the wee hours of the morning to being physically exhausted till near-sunrise. this week's been so exceptionally hectic that i barely even remember what i've been doing. lets rewind to the day my papers ended.

Tuesday 21/11/06
our papers ended. we had waited so long for this day and when it finally came, we had no idea what to do after. after much discussion, me, fan, isa, mel, tommy, alex and mark tan decided to head down to VivoCity. i swear that place is painfully huge. it's a freaking work out just to find an ATM. we hung around there for hours going to bookstores, getting fat at Carl's Jr., indulging in mark tan's chocolate and basically just enjoying our new-found freedom. we then headed to Villa Bali at around 10ish. a really nice place. now i know why charles was so obsessed with this place. anyhow we chilled till near 12 and then managed to catch the last bus home.

Wednesday 22/11/06 HAPPY 10 MONTHS BABY!
woke up at 11ish and then just bummed around at home. i went to meet shalzy and her 2 friends at hougang for dinner at about 9 and then we cabbed down for ladies night at boat quay. bumped into the usual people at bumbles - sho, fabian, rakesh. after the club closed at 3, we decided to head home since one of shalzy's friends' was pretty drunk. my first night of partying since the end of my blasted A's.

Thursday 23/11/06
i finally turned up for ballet. well it wasn't ballet it was contemporary rehearsal for our performance in late-december. felt so good to see all my dance friends again. since i had gone MIA for 2 whole months, i was just given a small part in contemp since all the other positions had been confirmed. oh well. sure beats rotting at home. anyway i'm in desperate need to get fit again. A levels has turned me into nothing but a fat slob.

Friday 24/11/06
woke up at 10ish and then headed down to IJ primary to see if i could get a job relief teaching there next year. i bumped into Mrs Redwan. just my luck. she's still that bitch who found pleasure in terrorizing kids and she was so fucking sarcastic and cynical towards me that i felt like socking her in the face. thank god i called Mrs Drysdale down to save me from that woman. i swear, Mrs Drysdale is an absolute sweetheart. she's simply the nicest person i've ever met and she hasn't changed one bit from that sweet caring teacher who taught me in 1995 and 1996. my mentor indeed. i could talk about ANYTHING to her be it school, family, relationships etc. we spent an hour catching up on old times and then i was off for 3 hours of contemp rehearsal. my legs were aching like a bitch by the time i got back cuz my attempt at centre split, after 2 months of not doing any form of physical activity, failed.

despite being in pain, ryan hurried me to get ready cuz we had to pick up steph and rishi at 8 to head down to Chillis for free free flow. that club was simply unforgettable. the first and last time i will EVER go to an indian club. i felt like i was caught in the middle of a tamil movie shoot. there was a live band with some guy singing and girls in saris dancing (i'm guessing they were the indian version of tequila girls). it was bad. ryan and i left at 10 and went to meet ryan p, jon and rex opposite for a bit. then the 2 of us headed to bq bar to meet ryan's half-greek, half-italian friend Armando. a really nice guy. met this american guy named nick there too. he was giving me advice on what i could consider pursuing which could get me earning big. pretty valuable advice. we finally headed down to momo at about 12 to meet jo and her SA friends where an exceptionally long que awaited us. armando paid 300 bucks for us to get a membership so we all wouldn't have to line up. fucking insane right? i bumped into quite a few IJ people there. i think there was some sort of JC party going on. the first and last i would go for. i freaking hate organised parties. at 3, hoe, sam, ryan and i left to pick up ryan p from cheeky's and then went to Spize for supper. i swear, the world's most amazing chicken and cheese murtabak. or maybe i was just damn high and hungry so anything tasted good. we finally left for home at 4 with a damn amusing cab ride.

Saturday 25/11/06
my charlie boy drags me out of bed at 12pm telling me that he's coming over to my place and that leonard was coming to pick us up now. it turns out that leonard's moved to Holland Mansion for the next 3 months since his place is under renovation. we live so freaking near each other it's unbelivable. my new homie=) anyway leonard, li, charles and i went to Samy's for some pretty expensive but great-tasting lunch. the both of us then went back to his place to watch the Da Vinci Code but his dvd player didn't like us very much. ben and elsa came over at 6pm and then we went for dinner at block 3. bumped into fan and zanna. at 9, i left for jo's and soph's place while leonard came to pick up charles to jong at holland mansion. bo, per, ara, jo, soph and i hung out at braddel view playground till 11ish drinking tequila and some kind of yummy gin with tonic and ginger beer, eating chips and playing "never ever". i guess we don't know EVERYTHING about each other. haha. once the alcohol was done, we called it a night and i took a cab to leonard's since charles was still there. they gave me the grand tour of the place and then we went for supper at adam rd. we sent charles home and then leonard dropped me off. i was pretty pissed when i got back cuz my relatives from malaysia were down and they were staying in my room. that left me sleeping on the couch for 4 hours and waking up with an aching neck. hmpf!

Sunday 26/11/06
leonard drags me out of bed at 8:45 and picks me up in 20 minutes to go for 9:30 mass at st mike's with charles, li and mark. i was so tired it just wasn't funny. after mass, we went for breakfast at gardens and then i took a cab to mark's place for his grandma's 70th birthday lunch. i hung out with mark in his room most of the time listening to his various girl-stories cuz i wasn't in the mood to engage in conversations about my future plans with the old folkies. we left at 3pm, dropped my relatives off so they could catch the coach back to KL and then it was home sweet home. i slept from 4pm till 9 then watched Ju-on2 with ryan and then went back to bed at 1.

ok i think i just bored whoever's reading my blog with the intricate details of the past 6 days of my life. oh well. today's agenda? think i'm gonna do some major cleaning out of my room and if i'm up for it, perhaps go for a swim since i haven't touched my pool since stacey left.

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had feeling I could be someone

2006-11-19T17:34:00.000+08:00

a major pmsing day indeed. spent 2 hours crying last night before i finally fell asleep. the strange thing is that i have never realised i always feel the same way at the same time every month...until last night. last month was a lot worse cuz not only was i pmsing but i was sick with a week till my A's. triple blow. it occured to me last night when i realised that i couldn't justify my tears. i mean why the hell should i be upset when i've got 2 days left till the end of my papers and months of enjoyment after that? i can be so silly sometimes. sigh. but i still feel like crap inside. not exactly the best feeling to have the day before my history paper. i think i'm gonna head to church now. need to clear my head. it's just too overwhelming for me.

2006-11-18T11:51:00.000+08:00

yesterday's lit paper was rather tough. you had to read through it a couple of times before you actually see that glimpse of light and know what to talk about. i managed to write about 9 pages which is sorta good according to my standards. lets just hope it's relevent yeah?

after my paper, i went home to change and then left with ryan for Siem Reap by Indochine to meet ryan p and jon. apparently, we've been calling it Baden for the past few months and it just occured to us last night that Baden was the pub next to Siem Reap and not the one we frequent. haha. silly us. kyle, ain, liam and aisyah came to join us too. while smoking outside, you wouldn't believe who walked by me! - TWO of my econs lecturers but thank god they didn't see me. it wouldn't look too good on my testimonial. i bumped into thomas too. i swear, that guy is just way too tall for his own good. ryan and liam left after a while for a house party so it was just the 6 of us. i can't believe i got tipsy after two pints. my tolerance level has really gone to the shits. gonna have to build it up in time for christmas. haha. anyway, kyle and i left at about 12. he dropped me home and then went to zouk for his post-21st celebration.

so that about sums up my entire weekend in a night cuz i plan to stay home tonight to do some major history mugging for monday's paper. yay!! tuesday's coming! tuesday's coming!

And these streets turn me inside out
Everything shines but leaves me empty still
And I'll burn this lonely house down
If you run with me

And I'm fooled by my own desire
I twist my fate just to feel you
And you turn me toward the light
And you're one with me
Will you run with me?

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
So take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you...

2006-11-16T18:23:00.000+08:00

god. i've been slacking so much as if i were done with my A's already. i planned to stay up last night to study but ended up bumming ard for hours. i watched Honey for the second time on Star Movies last night. it reminded me of a part of my life back then with all those long days in school doing cheerleading routines over and over again and watching Honey with her best friend made me miss stacey even more. there was a part of the show that jolted another memory. the same memory when i watched Take The Lead. fond dancing rememberances i suppose. i think i need to go find myself a dance crew after the A's. i've been so out of touch from dancing that i think i've forgotten everything i've learnt. speaking of dance, i haven't been for ballet for a good 2 months. i think Ms Ho must be really pissed off. anyhow, i'm going back next weekend. if i pick up 2 months worth of dance steps fast enough, i can re-join our december performance=) guess i gotta work extra hard.

so after getting in touch with the dancing aspect of my life, i watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which made me reflect on my emotional side. a great show except i had a splitting headache by the end of it cuz the scenes kept shifting back and forth and then overlapping and then before you know it, you're at the beginning of the movie which was actually the end. complicated right? but it was a good show. justified my argument that memories may fade but feelings don't.

today was yet another wasteful day. woke up at lunch time, did my usual bumming ard, ordered mackerz and then played chicken invaders with kyle for hours. how highly productive. thank god tmr's paper's in the afternoon so i can stay up tonight to study. but then again, that's what i always say and somehow that never pulls through. i've been so tempted to watch Ray Charles the Movie. i guess i could take a one and a half hour study break right?

i remove my ~~heart~~ from my sleeve and slip it into my pocket. it's much safer in there.

2006-11-15T19:21:00.000+08:00

yes yes i know. i've been missing for 4 days. just haven't found the mood to write. so the current status of the A levels is that i've got 3 MORE PAPERS LEFT!!! yay!!! i just finished my econs paper 1 and 2 this afternoon. it was alright. not fantastically easy nor i-wanna-hang-myself hard. i can pretty much relax a little now cuz it's just lit paper 8 on friday. i can't believe it's finally come down to a mere 6 days. that's it. just 1,2,3,4,5,6. no more countdowns to the A levels. no more weekly countdowns to the end of A's. it's only a matter of days.

i'm contemplating if i shld go drinking on saturday with the girls. i mean i still need to study for my history paper on monday but i guess i could just chill out a teeny weeny bit. it wouldn't hurt right? i'll just see how it goes. ok hunger pangs. out.

And I just hope you know
That if you say
Goodbye today
I'd ask you to be true
Cause the hardest part of this
Is leaving you...

2006-11-11T17:30:00.000+08:00

my paper's have gone pretty well. not fantastic but alot better than i expected. even my history paper which is fucking amazing. we all know my relationship with history.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ARA!!!!

it was ara's 18th yesterday so we all went for a little birthday dinner at Cafe 211. i swear, the Seafood Risotto is fucking orgasmic! by far the best risotto i have EVER had. everyone left for MOS after dinz so i went to meet ryan, ryan p, dames, rishi and steph at baden for some beers. i'm cool with steph now. guess she isn't as bad as i had made her out to be. it was really sweet of ryan p and dames to come down all the way to holland v just to see me. i love you guys! =) it's been so long since i've chilled with them. just another 10 days and we can make it a weekly thing. everyone kept forcing me to go to MOS with them for awhile but i knew even if i went, i'd still have my A levels constantly bothering me at the back of my mind so i turned down the offer as tempting as it was. sigh. it's just another week or so. why does it seem to take so long?

I hope all my days will be lit by your face
I hope all the years will hold tight our promises
I don't want to be old and sleep alone
An empty house is not a home
I don't want to be old and feel afraid

And if I need anything at all

I need a place that's hidden in the deep
Where lonely angels sing you to your sleep
Though all the world is broken

I need a place where I can make my bed
A lover's lap where I can lay my head
Because now the room is spinning
The day is beginning

2006-11-08T03:50:00.000+08:00

my math paper went well. a big relief from last week's GP paper. now i just gotta pray that it's uphill all the way.

been contemplating whether to go for dinner with the girls on friday for ara's 18th. it would be a great stress relief but next week's gonna be rather hectic - 2 lit papers and all 3 econs papers. i've yet to get past Act 1 for Othello and i've just got one too many topics to cover for econs and mind you, this is just revision. i haven't even got down to doing timed practices. sigh. stress ah stress. haha. my never-ending pile of work has inevitably led me to forcing myself to stay up till about 8 or 9 in the morning today. i hope i finish up what i set out to do. till then, it's just gonna be me, my books, my nescafe, my ciggies and the morning sun which should be greeting me in the next 3 hours.

I'll find you
In the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon,
But I'll be seeing you.

2006-11-06T04:23:00.000+08:00

Today's horoscope: A recent shift in the weather pattern has brought nature to the indoors. Ants have officially invaded your kitchen! This might be your chance to try out an alternative ant repellant. Did you read something about orange oil and cornmeal?

someone tell me this is purely coincidence. so here i am sitting at my dining table, doing my econs and suddenly i notice this massive influx in ants around me. they're not the normal kind of house ants...they've got wings! and it seems to me that they're infesting MY territory. over the past hour, i think i've killed nearly 40 and no, i'm not exaggerating. they're freaking EVERYWHERE - on me, my laptop, my books, the floor, the table. i think i'm too utterly grossed out to stay up tonight to study with these 6-legged creatures crawling about with their little transparent wings on their backs and plus, i'm running out of Baygon spray. it's funny how i've NEVER seen them lurking about my house and then suddenly, they miraculously pop out all at once from god knows which nook and cranny. think i need to check out that kitchen of mine. are the planets really running my life?

I don't want to be adored
Don't want to be first in line
Or make myself heard
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved

2006-11-05T16:03:00.000+08:00

hoeanna came over on friday. we studied from afternoon all the way till freaking 9 in the morning. madness i tell you. well we didn't study the full 12+hours. had plenty of smoke breaks, chit chat time, coffee-making and food-eating. i finally managed to finish my Great Expectations. 18 chapters is really no joke.

i woke up at about 2ish(surprisingly) and did some work. met charles, ben and li at vivocity later at night. that place is ridiculously huge and so freaking crowded it's just not funny. i'm just waiting to start work, get my monthly pay cheque and then head down to places like those and literally shop till i drop. i think i desperately need a whole wardrobe makeover. anyhow, when we were done, li dropped us off at charlie's where he took over an hour to get ready. omg...i swear he's worse than a girl. the lack of sleep the night before was really getting to me so ben and charles dropped me home and then headed to mos.

so i've got yet another week of exams ahead of me. this week's agenda - math and history paper 1. boy i've got a splitting headache.

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in your bed
And you're my survival
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead

2006-11-02T19:54:00.000+08:00

GP was terrible. i knew being so calm last night was gonna be to my disadvantage. i believe there was this hidden anxiety last night that caused me to lie in bed for hours. i slept from 11:30 to 12:30, woke up, had some water and didn't sleep till 4. so that makes a grand total of 2 and a half hours of sleep. it's no wonder why during the paper, my brain felt like it was suspended in my head with no form of attachment to any part of my body. i couldn't think straight for my essay. i crushed up 2 2-paragraph essays before starting on my final piece 45 mins later. i think it was pretty crap. paper 2 started off quite well and then it came to that blasted summary. i had to read the question over a hundred times before i had an inkling of what i was to write. made me wonder if it was really written in English. my AQ was therefore inevitably jeopardized with only 15 mins to write a 2 page answer (i only got a page and a bit down). the AQ was no walk in the park either cuz it felt like there was no question...or my brain had just completely failed on me. anyhow, it was rather abstract, alot different from what we're use to. ahhh. ok i don't want to talk about it. "just move on" as kunna would always put it. haha. next, math.

There's a lot of things I understand
And there's a lot of things that I don't want to know
But you're the only face I recognize
It's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes

2006-11-01T15:56:00.001+08:00

it begins tmr. i'm not afraid. not afraid at all. i'm not being in denial but i'm just genuinely not. perhaps it hasn't hit me yet. perhaps it will all dawn on me tonight as i lay down in bed with my fan spinning above. knowing that the next time i open my eyes, it would be 2nd November 2006. the day which i've spent 2 years of my life trying to prepare myself for. it'll all be over. it'll all be over before i know it - from GP to math to history to econs and then that final lit paper that ends at 1700. i guess the saying really is true: time waits for no man.

No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

2006-10-31T05:17:00.000+08:00

it's insane. i woke up at freaking 3:30pm today. i don't think i've ever woken up that late before and now i'm sitting here at my dining table chilling with ryan as if it's only 10 at night. i just can't seem to get to sleep. as paradoxical as it may sound, the days seem to just whiz by but the 3 weeks till the end of my A's seems to be taking forever.

with all the talk that's been going on, i no longer feel discouraged about the fact that i'm probably not gonna do well and not be eligible for a local university. i mean, there's an endless list of options out there that would still guarantee me getting a reasonable job with a stable pay in the future. it's just a matter of how i go about doing it. who ever said that success= graduating with a degree from a singapore university? my idea of a 'reasonable job' wouldn't be anything along the lines of waitressing for the rest of my life. it would probably be something i never thought i would do. something i would least expect. i guess you'd never know when you might stumble across that one person who'd be your ticket to success. it's all about who you know and what you're capable of. i've been inspired.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.

2006-10-29T22:33:00.000+08:00

what a long night. tho kyle and i only hit the sack at 7am, i think we only did 6 hours worth of work. haha. it's amazing how many hours can be spent taking smoke breaks, playing chicken invaders, seeing who's hot on friendster and cooking up a storm in the kitchen...well kyle was doing the cooking, i just washed up. haha. ryan and ryan peters came home at 4 completely smashed. ryan p just kept telling us how much he loved us while my ryan was being a complete ass. i would have yelled at him but he was drunk so i kept quiet. when we finally decided to get some sleep, we realised that ryan and ryan p were sprawled out on ryan's bed leaving no room for kyle to sleep so the poor boy had to sleep on the couch with a blanket. i felt so bad but he never complained. kylie's just too nice.

we woke up at 2 and studied for a bit before heading to church. met soph and sara there so the 4 of us went for dinner at the market after mass. it's been so long since i've hung out with my friends. just 3 more really crap weekends and then it'll be drinks at Timbre every friday k stoph? the end is so near. i can hardly wait.

Covered ground
Just to reach your house
I know we need to talk
But I can't catch my thoughts

Insides gripped
Scared of what you'll think
Words I can't repeat
Could change all we've got

Disarm myself
I don't want no one else
All I want is you

2006-10-28T22:51:00.000+08:00

it's a saturday night and i'm stuck at home with kyle. ryan's gone to MOS for some halloween party. damn i hate the A's. my biological clock's really screwed up now. i went to bed last night at 6:30am just when the sky was getting bright and woke up at around 2. by the time i started studying, the sun was about to set. not exactly the best time to get my sleeping pattern all muddled up considering my papers start this coming week. gonna try to get myself back to sleeping normally on monday so it wouldn't be such a shocker to wake up at 6am on thursday. think i'm gonna be sleeping alot later tonight cuz kyle just made me a mighty strong cup of coffee. he's sucha sweetheart. we've been TRYING to study since 5. not that much progress since we've both got an attention span of a 2 year old. haha. he's watching the man u-bolton match now, guess that's my cue for a smoke break. it feels awfully good with my parents out of town. they should really do this more often.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

2006-10-27T17:55:00.000+08:00

it's a miracle. gone are the days of squeezing myself in my bay window just so i can "steal" an extremely unstable wireless connection from my neighbour. my laptop has finally stopped being the stubborn brat that it has been for the past year and has acknowledged that there's a modem in my house therefore establishing a highly reliable connection with it. now i can finally use my laptop like normal people - on a table.

this weekend's gonna be exceptionally quiet. for one, my parents are driving up to KL for my cousin's first communion and secondly, my charlie boy's leaving for field camp tmr for a whole week. usually, like all the other times when my parents were out of town, i'd plan a crazy ass weekend with ryan but it seems like i'm gonna have to give that amiss this time, all thanks to my wonderful A levels that begins next thursday. pretty shit huh? this is the 2nd time they're planning a trip just when my exams are around the corner. i swear my parents are getting way too smart for me. haha.

so i'm gonna have to survive an entire week with no sight or word from charles. eversince exactly a year ago, i don't think we've gone a day without having any contact with each other. even when i went to KL and he went to phuket, we at least called once or msged everyday and now suddenly, i've to make do with a week of nothing at all. it's gonna feel weird but i'm sure we'll pull through. i guess it's times like this that i'm grateful that we're not exceptionally dependent on one another. i just hope nothing happens to him while he's out there. we'll pray ya?

And I hope you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make you worse
But I know I'll see your face again

2006-10-26T12:23:00.000+08:00

i've pulled my disappearing act yet again. have been too busy over the past week to come online. nothing spectacular happened. just the usual studying and chilling over the weekend. formed a new study group with kyle, ryan and lorraine. not exactly the easiest bunch to study with. haha. but i love them. my weekend went pretty alright. didn't start of well at all tho but the issues were settled and i'm back to being happy again after 4 entire days of crying. ok ok. i admit. i was probably PMSing but the stuff i said is still true!

was suppose to go over to charlie's on monday to study but so much for getting any work done. we just sat in his front porch chilling out - listening to music and sipping on some wine. felt like my A levels were over but then again, his place has always been my weekend house. my other escape from reality. shalini, naomi, elvis and shina came to join us and then it was chilling till 2 with them and home sweet home.

strangely enough, i'm more excited about my A levels than afraid of it. i guess just really want to get it over and done with and have the life i've been dreaming of. i'm tired of wasting years slogging over stupid assignments. there's just so much more to life out there and i've missed out on everything. i'm not just talking about those wild crazy drunken nights but just those times when i can do what I wanna do - sit by the pool reading a book, walk around town by myself, walk around the back of holland road with those oh-so-beautiful houses and think about things. i just really need to get out of my current lifestyle. it's too asphyxiating.

right now. it's back to that god-forbidden table. just 3 weeks and 5 days more. world, would you wait for me?

running down corridors
through automatic doors
got to get to you
got to see this through
I see hope is here in a plastic box
I've seen christmas lights reflect in your eyes

2006-10-14T02:59:00.000+08:00

it was graduation day yesterday. it's astounding at how 2 years have just flown by. i can still vividly remember the very first day i walked up that long pavement, cursing and swearing under my breath at CJC for not accepting me, but i guess everything happens for a reason. as much as my fingers and toes may be insufficient to count the number of reasons as to why i despise SR, there're just as many reasons why this school would be dearly missed.

beginning with one of the only reasons why coming to school is sucha joy: The English Class of 2006. stepping into the music room (our lit home room, presently call The Renaissance Room) is like entering another dimension, far away from reality. every moment in there is something to be remembered, from countless number of production rehearsals to lit lectures with our temperamental lit teachers to staying up to 3am after our literature evenings to learn retro dance moves and ballroom dancing. there's really nothing quite like our 4 lit teachers. Ms G., who's so adorably cute and a proud owner of a brain to die for, Mark Tan who is by far the only person i know who can have sex with words, Ms Thiang, despite her constant mood swings, you know she cares and Mr Rozells, forever looking like he was cast a role on Cheech & Chong. apart from the teachers, our lit class is bursting with unique individuals ranging from the brainy right down to the eccentric. every one contributes to some form laughter.

and of course, there's my beloved class 2A04. now here, we really come from all walks of life. major ethnic diversity. everyone's just so different but yet we somehow manage to always get along. the jokes we've shared i simply classic. it really doesn't get any better than this.

now that i'm down reminiscing, i shall go on to yesterday's agenda.

so it started off with an exceptionally long graduation ceremony as there were 300 award winners...and i was one of them=) haha. i was presented a prize for the most improved student for Malay AO. yeah yeah yeah. i know. laugh it out. i've had enough teasing on this to last me a lifetime. when things finally came to end, our class gathered for photo-taking in our classroom and then it was to the music room for our specially organized lit grad. videos were shown, tears were shed, photos were taken and faces were stuffed. a wonderful grad indeed.

we hung ard the room until about 4pm and then 10 of us, including the teachers cab-ed down to town for dinner at coffee club. i've realised that if you're not quite use to hanging ard us lit ppl, you would probably find it extremely infuriating. we've established this way of speaking indirectly - puns, riddles and tons of inside jokes. first timers, like our dear prinya chose to shut up after realising that he could never catch on to our conversations and everything he said, we had all managed to silently classify it as a sexual innuendo. after entertaining ourselves, we then went to kinokuniya and of course, there was no escaping from the lit section. ryan came to meet me for a bit since he was in town and then we cab-ed home where i klonked out only to wake up 12 hrs later. ok it's 4am, i ought to be getting back to my King Lear. just one more scene and i'm done for the night (or morning).

So if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will that joke still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule

2006-10-09T03:50:00.000+08:00

it's 4 in the morning and i can't seem to get to sleep. guess i've just got too much stuff on my mind. my insomnia doesn't seem to be getting any better. sigh. so what did i do this weekend? it was pretty chilled out.

i finally managed to muster up enough courage on saturday to step out of my house and go for dinner at adam rd with charles, ben and elsa. and of all the days in my whole 17+years, it had to be THIS day when our PSI reached it's ultimate highest of 150. sigh. luck really was on my side huh? so i just sat down at adam's drinking my jia jia liang teh which according to charles, is suppose to soothe my throat while he ate his murtabak. the two of us then went down to holland v's brekos for beers...well he had the beers, i just had 4 cups of hot water=/ we bumped into terry and his campmates. god, it's been so long since i've seen that guy but then again, he hasn't changed a bit.

so charlie and i, as usual had our whole 'philosphy on life' talk while waiting for leonard and matt to come down. i don't know why but holland v seems to have become our place for reflection. strange. maybe it's just me but it feels like charles has changed alot. i don't mean this in a good or bad way, just a neutral change. he's no longer my crazy dancing-alcoholic-chain smoker-noisy boyfriend. he's a lot more sedated now. i mean he still has the whole drinking and smoking going on but he's cut down quite a bit. seriously, since when did charles navin raj have a mere 2 beers in 4 hours and tell me that it's getting late at 9:30pm? i know everyone says that the army breaks you only to build you up but i didn't expect him to break that fast. i guess i just gotta get use to this new change of his and adjust to it tho i do foresee certain issues coming our way once my A's are over but we'll deal with it if it comes. ok i'm gonna read my Great Expectations and hopefully fall asleep. goodnight world.

Lay your head on my shoulder
Everything's gonna be alright
Baby don't you cry
Don't you worry about a thing
I see a rainbow at the end
It's gonna be alright

2006-10-07T13:32:00.000+08:00

stupid haze screwed up my throat. now i can barely even speak. i sound like a dying whale and no, i'm not exaggerating. so if you wanna contact me, just drop me a msg. attempting to talk would be too painful. for my throat and for your ears. i hope our air quality really gets better. today's PSI: 80. can't believe they still consider that moderate. i'm practically choking. i find fresher air in my room than i do in my balcony. sigh. charlie's out. the initial plan was to go over to his place and then go for 5:30 mass at st mike's and then head down to walas but i'm too scared to even go to my balcony let alone leave my house. the haze is just way too thick for me. what if i get an asthma attack and collapse and die?? yeah yeah yeah. i know. i'm just being paranoid but i'm starting to feel like my house is on fire. it's funny how i'm so affected by the haze when i smoke. strange huh? but i've stopped for 4 days now. pretty good progress i must say. ok i'm gonna make my self my billionth cup of honey water. think i'm gonna be surviving on insulin shots soon enough.

I never thought you'd last
I never dreamed you would
You watch your life go past
You wonder if you should

If I could be your punk rock princess
Would you be my garage band king?

2006-10-06T11:06:00.000+08:00

so i've been MIA for over 2 weeks. got some major updating to do now.

21/09/06:
the day my prelim papers ended. went for lunch with fan at aljunied and then took an exceptionally long bus ride home. later that night, i met my girls for dinner at hard rock which i was fashionably late for. haha. guess some things really never change. finally we managed to get everyone there...except for jo. sigh. after A's hoe! we'll cafe iguana it every night! after dinz, palts, naoms, ara, kris, roach (i'm sorry, i can't do the whole shiela thing anymore. it's too faky for me) went for C&C at forum coffeebean where we spent the entire time listening to sentimental old music and singing along to it. haha. leonard and charles came to pick me up at ard 11ish. i think i was in an utter state of shock throughout the entire car ride after seeing charles' newly shaved head. i must admit, it was pretty bad at first but after awhile when you actually look at it from a different angle, it's not THAT bad. feels like velvet=)

22/09/06: (HAPPY 8 MTHS!)
so that night i crashed at charlie's. had the worst sleep ever! i'm sorry baby but i really did. you were just way too noisy. we engaged in some really in depth conversation about life and death and religion and stuff before TRYING to fall asleep. insightful. we got out of bed at around 12 and went down for lunch with his grandma's and then spent the rest of the afternoon bumming in his room listening to music and catching up on lost sleep. leonard and li came over for tea and then we were off to united square but i was too tired to hang out so i caught a cab home.

23/09/06:
went to our lady of lourdes cuz it was nick pat's grandma's one year mass. hung out with nick and mark lloyd the entire time and then palts came to join us cuz we had plans to go out at night. daddy dropped palts and i at clarke quay and then we walked down to boat quay to meet ash, farhan and their friend navin for beers and sheesha. strangely enough, navin's from the same intake as charles but different company. they left at about 11 and then i went down to bumbles to meet shalz and brin. had a great time there. bumped into palti's friend ashwin and all his cousins. talk about this being a small world, one of ashwin's cousins', this guy shawn turned out to be sunil's bestfriend since they were kids. funny how he immediately made the connection after hearing my name. i was too beat for supper so i cabbed back home after closing time.

24/09/06:
as usual. emo-sunday. today's agenda: tanya feels so redundant and is therefore not needed. i think it really is a psychological thing. anyway, my girlies (roach, ara and kris) came over to watch the finals of Singapore Idol and they came bearing gifts...brownies from Campbell's Kitchen and Island Creamery Banana Ice-Cream! a whole tub for me!....and my mum and dad and ryan. bleah. anyhow, they're the best!(my girls i mean) having them over was definitely a great start for a terrible week ahead. i really don't know what i'll ever do without them.

25/09/06-29/09/06:
school-home-study-sleep. an ongoing process.

30/09/06:
surprised my charlie boy at cheeky's with the help of elf. it was suppose to be a great night of alcohol and dancing until 4am but everything(for me and charles that is) came to a stop by 2. we had issues that needed settling so we cabbed back to his place to talk things out. it would have been absurd to continue the night of partying when obviously, there was a problem at hand. i left his place at about 4ish tho still having the feeling that things were not completely resolved. i guess you can't expect to be forgiven within a couple of hours eventhough it may seem like a trivial matter (or not a matter at all) to you. but then again, it doesn't matter what i think, it's what others perceive it as that should be my main concern.

the rest of the week was just spent staying at home and studying. trying desperately to keep up to my very demanding study schedule which i am, by the way, lagging by 3 days. i skipped school the entire week except for yesterday which was a terrible day to attend school. i see my good ol' friend Mr Tonsilitis has come to pay his much-awaited visit. but with my trusty cup of honey water in one hand and my countless number of panadols in the other, i should be fit enough to do some serious mugging today.

my charlie boy's coming out tmr!=) i think it's the beginning of when the going gets really tough. apparently he's only allowed on mainland for 24 hours so he books out saturday afternoon and then goes back in on sunday afternoon. pretty shit huh? don't worry baby, we'll pull through this.

Sometimes we'd never know what's wrong
Without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing
And the right thing are the same

2006-09-20T13:54:00.000+08:00

i think i'm clairvoyant or something. 2 days ago, i was thinking about charles' bestfriend (just a random thought, don't think otherwise) and then suddenly i get this message from this unknown number that said "hey tanya...how are you?" and i was like "good...who's this?" and just as i had unknowingly predicted, it was ben! and then later on in the day, i was stuffing my face with this really good hotdog and i was just thinking about how fan would make fun of me and call me a pig, so i turned to my phone, about to call her, and at that second, she started calling me. i guess i could have passed these 2 instances off as pure coincidence but then when i was on the way home today, i started thinking of stacey's grandma and how i haven't seen her for years and then when i looked out the window, there she was, the old lady walking her dog. fortune telling, a possible career perhaps?

had my lit paper 8 today. it was quite alright except i spent too much time planning and less time writing. think my brain was still on hibernation mode.

my unseen prose was an extract from Secrets by Catherine Lim. a rather thought-provoking story i must say. somehow i saw myself in it. it's basically about a wife who finds some stuff of her husband's and pesters him about it on what it all means and he refuses to tell her. she gets all hysterical and attempts to kill herself cuz she couldn't stand the fact of not knowing, so he finally decides to reveal all. the secret was about this woman whom he loved (and still does) with all his heart. she died 5 years ago and had left him the stuff which his wife had found. sounds pretty simple right? but there was this part that really struck me, the husband and the wife had been married for 20 years and when she asked him "do you love her more than me?" he was like "yes, i love her more than anything in this world". it was then that it dawned on me that all those times when i use to have those ~~thoughts~~, i wasn't being paranoid or absurd or whatever you might want to term me as, stuff like this does and can happen. i mean, sheesh, they were married for 20 YEARS and he could say it to her face that he loved another woman more than her? i know i know, it's just some story conjured up by some Singaporean writer but aren't stories usually based on some form of real life? (i'm guessing this one was interpretive literature). i don't know why but i just felt this sudden pang when i read it and all those suppressed ~~thoughts~~ came flowing back. it's like i had gone back to those days. the days when i had convinced myself that i just wasn't good enough and that perhaps time would make things better. but it seems like, according to this extract, that time was never a factor. i guess there's just some emotions that don't die with the ticking of the clock. was I right before and in denial now?

how it feels so real
lying here with no one near
only you, and you can hear me
when I say softly, slowly

hold me closer
count the headlights on the highway
lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

2006-09-18T15:37:00.000+08:00

this weekend was really terrible. call me superstitious but i think i'm gonna blame this one on bad feng shui. apart from falling sick, i seem to have developed insomnia over the past few days. tossing and turning in bed for 6 hours is no joke. i don't know why but it seems like every sunday is emo-sunday. i just get all cranky and temperamental and then lock myself up in my room for almost the entire day. maybe it's the whole idea of having an entire week of school ahead of me that gets me all messed up. i just hope my sundays get better.

my ballet exam was disastrous! me and my brilliant idea of not having dinner (the night before) and breakfast before my exam. i could have freaking rolled over and died cuz i was all out of energy by the time we were 15 mins into it (the exam took an hour and a half mind you). everything was just bad - my balance, my turns, MY STEPS! oh god. i've been doing the same fucking syllabus for 2 years and then suddenly everything just started to slip my mind. argh! totally frustrating. on top of that, i had this fucking bitch in my group who was so full of attitude, i felt like taking my pointe shoes off and throwing it at her face! maybe then she would look better. and after we left the studio she was like "i know i'm not gonna fail but i'm not sure about my distinction". fucking hell!! she fucking sucked ass!!! she was SO much worse than me AND she's got an oddly shaped body!!!! she was like half bird half alien. argh. bitch. hate her.

despite all the mishaps that's been going on, i finally have something to look forward to. thursday. firstly, my freaking prelims would be over. secondly, i'm gonna meet my darling bitches and thirdly, my charlie boy's coming out=) gonna spend the entire night with him and might probably stay over at his place. i seriously can't wait to get back in touch with my social life. the next 3 days are gonna feel like a lifetime. so close yet so far.

The things you do
Keep me sprung
Keep me running back to you

2006-09-16T12:29:00.000+08:00

AHHHHHHHH!!! i'm totally freaking out! i've got my ballet exam tmr and i don't know my terms for my free work. yes, i do have to study for ballet and the worst part is that it's all in french. they've got stuff like 'sissonnes ordinaires passees devant' and 'coupes fouettes raccourcis releve' and that's only 2 movements that take 2 seconds. and on top of all this, i've managed to fall sick again. had a fever of 38.5 last night. i think it's cuz i've been smoking reds these past few days and my body can't take the sudden onset of the high nicotine level. speaking of which, i'm planning to cut down on my smoking. gonna try to stick with smoking only when i drink so that means only doing it on weekends.

i've got 4 more prelim papers to go before i get my much deserved break next weekend. and plus, the day my prelims end is the day the goverment gives me back my charlie boy=) 2 weeks is just way too long for me but i guess it's not that bad cuz he calls me about twice a day. at least there's something to look forward to everyday.

charles just called me a few minutes ago to tell me that he and terry are in the same platoon. funny how they never recognized each other until a week later. i guess being bald does make a huge difference. i can't wait till he comes home on thursday though i'm seriously not looking forward to the new hair do(or lack of it).

Any type of love it will be shown
Like every single tree reach for the sky
If you're gonna fall
I'll let you know
that I will pick you up
like you for I
I felt this thing
I can't replace...

2006-09-12T19:46:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MY DARLING STACEY!!!!!

finally after 6 whole months, i got to here stacey's voice. gave her a call on sunday to wish her happy birthday. she still sounds the same. thank god! thought she would have some funny jap accent tho she did answer the phone in japanese. haha. so cute. i can't believe my little girl's 18!!! 4 more months till you're back penelope!!! then we can go back to our HotStuff days. haha. can't believe that was on your 16th birthday! we've got sooooooo much to catch up on when you get back. i miss you terribly.

charles booked in last thursday so i've pretty much gone back to the days when my relationship once survived on phone calls and a mere weekend meet-up. didn't think i was gonna, let alone allow myself to be in this position again. it really sucks but i guess it's all about readjusting and just taking each day as it comes. there was this empty void at first which became extremely evident as the weekend drew nearer but i'm sort of getting use to this whole idea that he's an island away and there's nothing i can do about it. so there's no point wishing he was here cuz it's not gonna happen. at least not for the next 9 days before he's shipped off again the following sunday. ah well. life goes on.

so i'm right smack in the middle of my prelims. had my econs paper today which totally sucked ass. felt like walking out half way cuz it was just a bloody waste of 2 and a half hours of my life. would probably have had more luck passing if i sat for a chemistry paper(i don't take chem if ya'll didn't know). so this brings me to my obvious point that i'm pretty much doomed for my A's. it's honestly a fucking miracle if i'm eligible for any course in Singapore. no point looking back and saying "i should have done this, i should have done that" cuz the fact is i didn't. so now i just gotta suck it all in, pull thru these next 7 weeks and 2 days and then party my ass of till i get my much dreaded results. sigh. and for your information, if you've never taken the A level course, you have no idea what the hell we go through. some things are easier said than done.

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

But is there some place far away, some place where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder all alone eternally
But this isn't how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?
Leaving me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you knew that I was always on your side...

2006-09-06T11:59:00.002+08:00

last night was probably the most beautiful night charles and i had for the past 10 months. it was officially the last time we could see each other before he goes into NS tmr=( that would mean a whole 2 weeks and 3 days before we meet again. i guess i could look at this positively in that during his absence, i've got my prelims so i'm more or less forced to stay at home.

so last night we went for dinner at spizza at holland v. the same place we went to a few weeks back when we had the car except in serangoon gardens. re-kindling old memories i suppose. so after stuffing our faces, we went to wala wala for some beers and to listen to the live band. they weren't very good tho. i was really counting on winning our beer drinking competition. damn. i was only lagging by 2 bottles the most! haha. mid-way thru our night, i gave him his little NS going away gift. at first, i thought i made a big mistake cuz he seemed rather shocked and akward by it. it was only later when i went down for a smoke by myself and he sent me this extremely sweet msg that i then realised he was just so touched that he didn't know what to say or do. haha. my silly boy. all this resulted in an intense conversation about our entire relationship which finally concluded at supper. we caught a cab back to his place after and i was back home at 4am. by far the best night we've had. just the two of us.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way
You love me all the time.
Maybe I'm afraid of the way
I love you.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way
You pulled me out in time, and hung me on a line.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way
I really need you.

i'll wait for you...

2006-09-02T16:53:00.000+08:00

the bumbles plan didn't pull thru. was planning to stay home to study but ended up crashing elvis and shina's 8th month anniversary dinner with charles. haha. after much arguing over the plan for the night, charlie and i ended up at balaclava with matt. had a great time there. matt wasn't as shy as i had made him out to be. we managed to have a decent conversation, of course with the help of some beers and an apple martini. haha. he's a nice guy. ben was working there too. i swear, he's so damn cute. haha. after much drinking, i went back to charlie's for our last night together before he goes in=( so much for spending quality time together...we just got home and passed out. haha. woke up at about 3ish and headed home. ok i gotta go shower now. gonna go to....shhh...it's a secret!*wink

My love for you will never end
You'll always be a part of me
As long as time keeps on passing by
You'll always be my baby boy

2006-09-01T15:10:00.000+08:00

wow. it's been so long since i've been here. 2 weeks to be exact. so what's been going on? study study study tho i managed to sneak in a bit of social time into my busy schedule.

so i had an awesome time when my parent's were out of town. met ara, shiela, naomi and palts for our August 18th. i guess it wasn't a COMPLETE flop cuz at least some of us made the effort to meet up. we went for Jap dinner in rememberance of stacey (we make it sound as if she passed away. haha) i met ryan p, dames and hide at cuscaden for a few drinks after and then went to The Alley for some sake. after getting pretty much wasted with them, i went over to my charlie boy's and stayed the night there. we planned to watch some movie but i fell asleep after like 15 mins so he stayed up watching it by himself. haha. i woke up at ard 10am and watched Prison Break while he went to play soccer with his regs. after he was done, we had lunch with his family and then i went back home to sleep some more. saturday night was by far THE best night at bumbles. well it was just me, shalz and brin but we had a fucking awesome time i swear. i don't know what it was but it was a damn good night. i spent sunday to friday studying - either staying in school till about 9, studying at serene centre macs with naresh or at the airport with fansther.

as usual, i go crazy over the weekend. went for shobi's 21st at Goodwood Park Hotel. met mathilda there. can't believe she's out of the competition. sucha waste. anyhow, ness, mahendran and i stuck to our plan of getting 'mabuk like dog'. i mean, it was free flow of alcohol. we couldn't have asked for more. haha. at ard 2, we had this crazy idea of going to cheeky's with kumar. had the weirdest night clubbing. was with a gay guy, a bapok and a transverstite. don't ask me how or why. i met lionel and miyuki there too. i swear, miyuki is just so damn sweet. glad i finally got to meet her after like 4 years. at ard 4, lionel dropped me home where i barfed my heart out. a night well spent i must say.

as usual the rest of the week was spent mugging. went over to jo's yesterday to study with she and ashwin. wasn't as productive as i would have liked it to be. went to meet charles, shalz and brin after at newton for dinner cuz my baby boy's going into NS next thursday=( we then went back to shalzinie's to chill and settle some issues and then it was home sweet home at 1. ok i ought to get back to my French Revolution. been at it for days. probably will head to bumbles again tonight with shalz. to broke to go anywhere else. will update when i can.

When I see your smile
tears roll down my face
I can't replace.

And now that I'm strong I have figured out
how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul,
and I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one.

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
and stars are falling all for us
days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one.

Cause you're my true love
my whole heart
please don't throw that away.

Cause I'm here for you
please don't walk away and
please tell me you'll stay.

Use me as you will
pull my strings just for a thrill
and I know I'll be okay
though my skies are turning gray.

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
even if saving you sends me to heaven.

2006-08-18T10:06:00.000+08:00

I PASSED MY MALAY A'LEVEL PAPER!!! isn't that great?? from like a D7 for O'levels to an F9 for my first attempt at the A's and then i jumped 3 grades up to a C6 within a span of 2 months? yay! now i'll never have to smell malay again!=D PLUS! i finally got thru my NAFA test. yeah yeah yeah i know...i suck at running. i would much rather dance for 24 hours than run for 15 mins. my timing improved by like 2 minutes so i got an overall silver so that means i would never have to run again for the rest of my life....unless i choose to which is highly unlikely. double=D haha. AND on top of everything, the most ultimate best thing which ryan and i have been waiting for for the past 2 years is finally here. my parents have gone to KL for the weekend!!! it really doesn't get any better than this. so far there's no concrete plans yet. gotta go down to bedok today for ballet with my exam pianist and then gonna meet my girls after for our August 18th. the rest of the weekend shall go with the flow. ok i'm gonna find some breakfast and then hit the books. since i already overslept and missed school today, i better make something of this day.

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said you've got something
Deep inside of you
A wind chime voice sounds,
Sway of your hips round rings through
Echoes deep inside of you
These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems
Fall breeze blows outside, I don't break stride
Thoughts so warm, and they go
Deep inside of you

2006-08-13T11:30:00.000+08:00

so much for staying home the whole day to do some productive studying. the initial plan was to have dinner and be home by 10 but somehow, i got conned into going to boat quay and got home at 1:30. haii. have i told you how amazing my friends are?

i had dinner at Carl's Jr last night with my charlie boy. i swear, the western bacon cheeseburger....or whatever the sequence is, is bloody orgasmic. haha. by far the best burger i've ever tried...for fast food that is. after much persuasion, i went with charles to Bumbles to meet shalzy, brin, elvis and shina. the club's really come a long way. if i'm not wrong, i think i even saw a que. i met beth there too. reminded me of the times when we used to go to the British Club to get freaking wasted and then head down to Thumper. gone were those days. i chilled with the group and then pryed myself away at 1. my sweetest of sweetest boyfriend was pretty high by then. i wonder if he got back safe.

the plan for today? i've got ballet at my exam studio today at 2:30. we're suppose to learn how to make do with the slippery floor and the limited space. probably gonna meet sophie after and then go for mass with her. school starts again tmr. what a drag.

Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad
But don't you know that no one alive can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad.

I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood

2006-08-12T13:55:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY MY DARLING STOPHIE!!!!

we all went down to Timbre last night for soph's birthday dinner. it was great seeing part of the gang again. the food, music and drinks were good but the designated smoking area law's really getting to me. i mean sheesh! we're already outside, what's the big deal!?!? i bumped into jon outside Timbre. i hadn't seen him since the day at the airport. guess i've been too busy to meet up. at around 1, i went over to charlie's to chill with him and leonard. i swear, leonard's fucking funny. one of the few of charles' friends whom i feel completely comfortable with. leonard went back at 2:30 while we watched a bit of prison break before falling asleep. woke up at 4 to catch a cab which only came an hour later. which probably explains why i'm not at ballet now. better make the most of this day. carpe diem baby.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you

2006-08-09T17:59:00.000+08:00

it's national day and the boredom's kicking in. naresh called me just now to remind me about what i did for national day 3 years back. haha. stupid kids we once were. i wanna go out yet i know i shouldn't be going out. suppose to be using this day for some productive studying. i think finishing my silas marner and doing my online compre did constitute for that. which reminds me, i should probably get down to some filing. i've got papers stacked a metre high on my desk and no, i'm not exaggerating. haii. so much to do, so little time. if i'm not wrong, i think the national day parade started. same shit, different year. ah what the hell i'll watch it anyway. sure beats rotting in my room.

i can see you want me to, now it's me and you.

2006-08-06T14:49:00.000+08:00

saturdays are my ultimate day off. began the day with my usual 3 hours of ballet. got exactly 6 weeks till my ballet exam so i hope that's ample time to work on my left leg split. ouch.

after ballet, i went over to charles place. met his grandma there whom i haven't seen for so long. she's so darn cute i swear! since his mum was out of town, we got the car and drove down to serangoon gardens for dinner. and yes baby, you parallel park REALLY well. we had freaking good pizza at Spizza. interesting menu i might add. ha. ha. met li and leonard at coffee bean after and then we all went back to charlie's to play cards with his family.

there were like 4 generations at his place: grandma, grandma's daughter, grandma's granddaughter and grandma's great-grandchildren. it's so rare to see so many generations in one house. anyway, i won 2 bucks!=D not that much actually but it was good fun. after the game, we sent leonard home and then came back to watch trainspotting. we were both really beat so we turned it off halfway and went to bed. i woke up at about 4am and then it was home sweet home.

so it's back to school tmr. thank god it's gonna be a short week. i've only got proper lessons on monday and then i'm more or less free the rest of the week. it's funny how the weekends just seem to fly by while weekdays seem to go on forever. as of today, i've got 24 days till my Prelims. study STUdy STUDY!

you had me at hello

2006-08-04T22:36:00.000+08:00

everything in life's beginning to look a lot brighter now. i think i finally managed to sort myself out. studying keeps me stress-free, i'm addicted to ballet, my love life's rather stable and i've gone back to church. exhausted i may be, but at least i'm not depressed. my social life on the otherhand is slowly slipping away but i should be seeing my girls in about 2 weeks so i guess it's alright. yay! i just got a letter from stace=)...this time i'll try to reply alot faster since i now know local stamps can't be used for overseas mail. haha. ok i'm really beat. as of late, my school hours have been 8am-9pm, brings me back to O'level days when IJ was hoe and i's second home. ok i'm off to the shower.

On broken wings I'm falling
and it won't be long
The skin on me is burning
by the fires of the sun
On skinned knees I'm bleeding
and it won't be long
I've got to find that meaning
and I'll search for so long

2006-07-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

yes i know. i've been neglecting my blog. been busy trying to catch up on one and a half year's of work so i apologise if i haven't replied to your msgs/calls/ emails(i'm sorry stace! will do when i can). Prelims are in 34 days and A'levels in 97 and that's most DEFINITELY not alot of time. manage to get my well-deserved break last night. went down to bumbles for their opening night. the club's looking so much better. i finally got to spend time with my charlie boy after an entire week of being so distant from him. i really feel like i sold my soul to the devil by taking this 2 year course. it's honestly too much for me to handle. ok it's back to my monopoly notes.

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone,
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world?

6 months and a week......and we're far from over. i love you.

2006-07-17T19:54:00.000+08:00

a quick recap of the week. hmmm. been trying to stick to a constant study routine. it's sort of working out. managed to finish one of my lit books. 1 down, 5 to go. and what was up with mark tan's comment during lit class on me being the voice of experience?? freak.

some of my relatives came over on friday for dinner but i was too tired to entertain them so i just chilled with mark in my room. i swear, both of us are uncannily similar. it's bloody scary.

saturday was shalzinie's birthday. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SHALZY!!!! we had a little surprise party for her at bumbles. it was then that i realised how badly i should learn at least the basics of tamil. i guess it's kinda embarassing when people talk to you in it expecting you to understand and then you just give this 'what the fuck are you saying' smile.

ara came over yesterday cuz she needed to borrow a dress for some project for school but it turns out that the chest area for all the dresses were just too big for her. oops. haha. so we just hung out catching up on old times. god i miss the gang=(

i met naresh after school for tea/dinner at little india. we decided to get in touch with our indian roots. haha. it ended with yet another embarassing moment with the drink uncle wondering why the hell i don't speak tamil. you'll teach me right naresh?? it's really strange but i think naresh has become like my best guy friend. i mean so what if we were together 3 years ago and went thru all these really weird phases? it's all over now and we've finally reached comfort zone. you know there are some ex boyfriend's who you can still be friends with after ya'll break up and then there are those who you just never want to see again.

Memories are just where you laid them
Dragging the waters
Till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was it something you left behind?
Don't you remember anything I said when I said

Don't fall away
And leave me to myself
Don't fall away
And leave love bleeding
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands
Love lies bleeding

Hold me now
I feel contagious
Am I the only place
That you've left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors, faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries...

2006-07-09T21:33:00.000+08:00

i just got off the phone with charles. it was so nice to hear his voice again. it feels like we're a gazillion miles away from each other eventhough it's just a 2 hour flight. haha. today it suddenly occured to me that i had a prepaid card stashed away somewhere in my room...which i finally found after much rummaging. gonna use it to call phuket till the credit runs out. i knew that card would serve a purpose to me some day. monday's drawing nearer and before i know it, it'll be wednesday and home sweet home baby!

tonight's the world cup finals. planning to stay up with daddy to watch it. hopefully i don't fall asleep like the rest of the matches. shalzinie came over to chill with me last night. we planned to watch the germany-portugal match but had so much to talk about that we ended up bitching till 5 in the morning. i went with audrey to buy my pointe shoes at sonata today. took us nearly 2 hours to get them cuz the place was packed with all these little 5 year old girls who were buying their ballet stuff with their mothers. how adorable! and their ballet shoes were the size of my palm! yes i measured. haha. ok tummy growls.

Train this chaos turn it into light
I've got to see you one last night
Before the lions take their share
Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere

You're cinematic razor sharp
A welcome arrow through the heart
Under your skin feels like home
Electric shocks on aching bones

There is a darkness deep in you
A frightening magic I cling to

Give me a chance to hold on
Just give me something to hold onto

It's so clear now that you are all that I have
I have no fear now cause you are all that I have...

2006-07-08T21:18:00.000+08:00

last night was pretty alright. went to mad flemmings with vic, ness, angela, jane, ryan and ryan p for champagne. got pretty wasted. champagne always fucks me over. this really weird thing happened between ryan p and i - i was staring intensely into my champagne glass watching the bubbles float up for almost a good 2 minutes and then out of no where, ryan peters grabs my hand and says 'i'm sure he's fine over there'. i was so fucking shocked that i nearly dropped my glass. then i was like 'how did you know i was thinking of him?' and he was like 'tanya, how long have i known you for? plus, you and andrea always give that same look'. i swear, ryan's bloody amazing. never before have i met anyone like him. after drinking to our hearts content, we decided to walk down to bumbles. along the way, i bumped into kelvin, anand and kabi at sahara. i chilled with them for a bit and then brought them along to bumbles where i tried to sober up and then left for home. my plans for tonight? think shalz might be coming over to chill. yay! been feeling really out of it the pass few days, especially today. stace, i miss you.

my ~~hatred~~ for you came gushing back. some things never change.

2006-07-07T18:39:00.000+08:00

so this is my little dose of a long distance relationship and it's definitely not working out for me. everything just seems to go by so slowly. sigh. was suppose to go to school today but ended waking up late so i met fan for lunch at clementi instead. we had the much talked about ma you qi which for your information was damn bloody good. we then headed down to town and bumped into clara at zara. i swear, i hate walking around town knowing that i can't buy whatever i want. it's bloody depressing. god i really need to get a job. sigh. not sure what i'm doing tonight. probably drop by bumbles to see shalz and then meet bo after work perhaps? will see how it goes. where art thou my charlie boy? sniff.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it any where
Away from here

To think i might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Louder, Louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if its just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you can not hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear...

2006-07-06T20:18:00.000+08:00

i miss my charlie boy=(. he called yesterday. yay!! but haven't heard from him the whole of today. it feels like we're fighting but we're not. i really hope he's doing ok. one week's too long. sigh.

I can no longer walk
When the wind is so strong
Heartbreak is such a vulnerable thing
But you ought to be accustomed to it by now
Let this hug
Touch my inner most heart with the next change
Provided this love doesn't change

Will you hold my heart
Take my tears
My heart is no longer broken

Forever love, forever dream
Only heavy floods
Violently, desperately
Time is jammed
Tell me why
All I see is blue in my heart

Will you stay with me
until the wind slips away?
My tears are flooding back again

Forever love, forever dream
Left with this presence
At dawn my heart shivers with this hug
Stay with me
It will all be good
It's not finished tonight
I cant imagine losing something like you

Will you stay with me
until the wind blows away?
No longer anyone but you at my side

Forever love, forever dream
This trouble of not being able to walk
Tell me why, tell me true
Teach me the meaning of living

Forever love, forever dream
Flooding tears
Let a brighter season take its place
Forever love

I'm sorry if the English is a bit off but the meaning still holds. It's actually a Japanese song kindly translated by stacey. thanks beeyatch!

2006-07-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

honestly, does my life get any better than this? my bestfriend's halfway across the world in japan and my boyfriend left for phuket this morning for an entire week. sigh. oh lonely days. bo, i really don't know how you do it with per in norway for a whole month. i'd go crazy. 6 days till he's back home with me=) i miss him too much.

found out some really disturbing news today. ryan peters and his band met with an accident on monday when they were on the way back from a doing a gig in Klang. apparently the driver of the bus was speeding in the rain and crashed into a divider causing the bus to flip over. it was really bad. ryan and burp had only minor injuries but are fucking traumatised by the whole thing. colin's got a dislocated shoulder, amy sprained her back but anand's the worse. he's in CGH now slipping in and out consciousness. he's got this deep gash on the back of his head which caused his brain to swell up. i really hope he gets better. ryan p told me the entire story today and it was fucking scary i swear. he said that when he felt the bus turning, he saw his entire life flash before his eyes and for a split second, felt the presence of his girlfriend. he really thought he was going to ~~die~~. thank god nothing of that sort happened. for more details on the accident, you may refer to the NewPaper dated 5th July 2006. not everything in there's bullshit.

i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now

2006-07-02T21:43:00.000+08:00

the flu's really been bugging me. no pun intended. it doesn't seem to be going away. sigh. jo came over on friday night to watch the argentina-germany and italy-ukraine match. it's been so long since we both hung out together...singing spice girls songs. haha. she stayed the night and we woke up at about 12 and slacked around the house. at about 5ish, she went home while i went over to charlie's place.

we were suppose to watch superman at 6:10 but i was apparently late because SOME PEOPLE believe in last minute plans. anyhow, we went down to balestier for dinner and then watched superman at 7:35. i swear, it's sucha charles show. he was so excited that he couldn't stop singing the theme song and like some little kid who's watching superman for the first time, he was so mesmerized by all the graphics. haha. i should have just bought him a giant lollipop, made him wear one of those caps with that fan-like thing on top together with a superman tee-shirt and he'd be the perfect kid. other than the fact that he stands at more than 1.8 in metres. haha. after the show, we sat outside at the bus-stop for over an hour trying to decide what to do which finally ended up with us having supper at Yassin and then joining his mum at home at 12:30 to watch the england-portugal match. when the match finally ended after the penalty shoot outs which his mum and i missed cuz we both fell asleep, charlie and i just sat outside and talked. at about 2:30, i caught a cab home. it was then that i realised that exactly on the 2nd of July one year ago was when charles and i first met each other at coco latte. we've transformed from 2 complete strangers ~~dirty~~ dancing together in a club to a 5 and a half month old couple. it's amazing how so much can change over a span of one year. i couldn't have been happier.

Hello, I've waited here for you everlong.
Tonight I've thrown myself into
And out of the red, out of her head, she sang.

Come down and waste away with me
Down with me
Slow how you wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head, she sang.

Breathe out so I can breathe you in
Hold you in
And now I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head, I sang

And I wonder when I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.

2006-06-30T11:17:00.001+08:00

god it's been nearly 2 weeks since i last blogged. i guess i've been busy. anyway, mid years have started and i'm already half way through it. how time flies. i missed my shakespeare lit paper today cuz i'm down with a fever and the flu. i don't know what it is but i seem to fall sick almost every mid year exam. i think i'm jinxed or something. hopefully i get to re-sit my paper cuz i could really do with the practice of sitting down and writing 3 essays in 3 hours.

ok so last week was pretty slack. went over to charlie's place on tuesday. it's strange how i get more studying done at his place then i do at home. hmmm. we watched the pirates of the caribbean when it occured to me towards the last half an hour of the movie that i had seen it before. haha. on friday, i went down to Bumbles with charles and fan. shalz was suppose to come but she couldn't make it at the last minute=( the 3 of us just chilled outside cuz we weren't in the mood for clubbing...and SOMEBODY insisted that he had a brain tumour*rolls eyes. ryan and clara came to join us for a bit later. at about 1ish, clara and fan went to MOS while charles and i walked in the rain to meet shubhert at indochine which probably explains why we both ended up falling sick. ok i should probably get some rest. the fever doesn't seem to be subsiding.

Today's Horoscope: Take a firm hold of what you have and don't let go -- that includes relationships. What do you treasure most in your life? Take time to mentally form your personal top ten list -- and then do what you need to ensure everything on that list stays in your life. People may not realize how important they are to you, so it's up to you to make them understand. Follow whatever method fits you best, whether it's a mushy email, flowery greeting card or hearty pat on the back. Celebrate what you have in life -- and don't take anything for granted.

how apt. you have no idea how much i really needed this.

i'm sorry that i'm nothing like ~~her~~

2006-06-17T17:24:00.000+08:00

wednesday began with a confession made by a certain individual. what you told me was some thing i honestly did not expect you to ever do to me. i guess i really did make the right decision months ago on leaving you. i followed my intuition and i've never been happier. being with you was the worst choice i've ever made and leaving you being the best. you were probably only nice to me when we were together because of all the guilt you carried. i can't believe i even felt bad for breaking up with you and finding another. you totally deserved it. no regrets.

the rest of wednesday was awesome. i spent ladies night at Bumblebeez with shalz, shafina and a whole bunch of other people. fan and gang came too but they left after a while for MOS. fabian and james joined us and then ryan came with ryan p and shobi. god it's been ages since i've seen them. i met rakesh at bumblebeez too. he was a lot cuter before but he still has that captivating smile. haha. i couldn't believe it when ryan told me that the guy in the suit was nithi, another manager of Bumblebeez. he looked so different and gone were the days of his curry puff hair style. haha.

friday was me and charlie's day. we just spent alone time together. i met him after work and we went to watch The Omen at PS which was the 2nd movie we've watched since we've known each other. amazing huh? i swear he was the cutest thing alive. he was so scared that he kept covering his eyes and then when the scene was over, he'd ask me what happened. so damn adorable!! and then when it became too much for him to handle, he asked if we could go home. hahaha. ahhhhhh! i love him!! haha. after the movie, we chilled outside PS with his beer which i brought for him and had our, as of late, the ipod nano 4GB and ipod nano 2GB debate. haha. we went back to his place at about 10:30 to chill. we just spoke to his mum, watched some telly, raided the kitchen at 12 cuz i was hungry, slept a little and talked about our future. i got a little upset by the end of the night cuz it really hit me that if i don't study hard enough and get into a uni here, our relationship would be over cuz long distance is just too hard. i wouldn't be able to be away from him for that long. i left his place at about 2ish, feeling pretty fucked up hence the attitude. sorry baby. i guess we just gotta treasure all that we have now. it feels like our honeymoon period has just begun.

nothing compares to you

2006-06-13T11:21:00.001+08:00

ok so friday didn't happen the way i expected it to. we went for zanna's party which was pretty good. i finally realised the true meaning of the saying "it's a small world" because it truly is. i met a bunch of people there and then went down to coco latte with mel, clara and fan. there was suppose to be a party there but guess what? i could count the no. of people there with one hand so we ditched it and then went to check out the new cheeky's. it's not all that different from the old one. just smaller but the same crowd. bleah. i met mark and his friends and then bumped into fabian and his friend james. lionel was there too so we chilled with him. at about 3, i shared a cab with fabian and went home. ended up throwing up all over my carpark. not a friendly sight.

saturday was major dance day. woke up at 11 with a throbbing headache but still made my way down for ballet at siglap. i danced till 2:30, had a break and then danced for another one and a half hours. i could have nearly died but it all paid off in the end cuz ms ho's allowing me to take my intermediate exam in september. yay!

sunday was pretty slack. went for a hair cut, followed my dad to the market and then chilled at home with ryan. i stayed up to watch the match with ryan and kyle. poor kyle had to spend almost the full 90 mins explaining to me what off-side is. haha. he's so damn cute.

i surprisingly managed to get some studying done yesterday and also printed out all my lit notes. finally. i met charles at about 6:30 when he was done with work and then we went to meet fan and zanna for dinner at Adam's corner. we chilled till about 8ish and then we all went to charlie's place to watch the aussie-jap match. a rather shocking match i must say. i can't believe australia beat my Gatsby models!! damn you socceroos!! at half-time, zanna went back home since she lives 3 mins away from his place and then fan and i left after the game. baby drove us to boon keng station and then we went home to catch the USA-Czech Republic match which i missed the 1st goal for and then fell asleep half-way. anyone know the score?

I faintly remember breathing,
on your bedroom floor,
Where I laid and told you but you sweared you love me more
Do you care if I, dont know what to say?
will you sleep tonight? or will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
that theres someone out there who feels just like me,
there is...

2006-06-09T18:33:00.000+08:00

yesterday was a lot better like i hoped for. started the day with a 2 hour econs lecture and then went home to catch up on some sleep. i met fan and her friends for a bit at town and then had a late lunch with nem at BK Liat Towers. we just sat there talking for like 3 hours. there was just too much to catch up on. i met fan again at 5 and then we went down to esther's to chill for a bit. after charles' was done with work, i met him at his place for our "we need to talk" session which turned out to be an exchange of a few sentences and then a "lets just forget this and move on" so now everything's all peaches and cream again=). that's probably the best part about this relationship. we can argue and fight over what not and then just completely ignore the whole situation and start over as if we were never pissed off at each other. ok i'm off to zanna's 18th black & white party. will probably go over to baby's place to watch the world cup's opening match later tonight. yay!

The earth is warm next to my ear
Insect noise is all that I hear
A magic trick makes the world disappear
The skies are dark they're dark but they're clear

A distant motorcade and suddenly there's joy
The snowing ticker-tape blurs all my senses numb
It's like the finish line where everything just ends
The crack of radio seems close enough to touch

Cold water cleaning all my wounds
A sad parade with a single balloon
I'm done with this I'm counting to ten
Bluest seas running to them

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath take in all that you could want

2006-06-08T11:27:00.000+08:00

yesterday was one of those bad days. as palti's murphy law states "anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". i spent almost the whole night crying cuz i was just so upset about so many things and ended up sleeping at 3, only to wake up 3 hours later for my econs lecture. sigh. i hope today's a better day. gonna meet nem later at our usual place. been ages since we just sat and talked. hope he cheers me up.

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

How ever far away
I will always love you
How ever long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you

2006-06-03T22:12:00.000+08:00

my attempt at rearranging my room turned out to be a complete failure. after 4 hours of moving my bed, bookshelf and study table around, i realised that nothing works and i gotta make do with their original positions. oh well. i was suppose to meet the girls at holland v at 7 but because of the pointless reshuffle in my room, i was an hour late. i'm so sorry hoe and soph!! we dined at thai express with ara, shiela and ray and then ashwin came to join us after. we bought some drinks at 7'11 and then went back to my place to chill at the BBQ pit. the whole group of them left at 11:30 leaving me alone waiting for debo, sarah and her new found boyfriend, jonny. we chilled till about 1ish and then left for gotham. we met ryan, ross and the managers of penny black and gotham and afterwhich we were off to attica. as sarah couldn't get in, bo and i could only make our way to attica too to say hi to ana and the rest and then we left for home at about 4ish=(. oh well. tough luck.

If you are worried about where
I've been or who I saw or
What club I went to with my homies
Baby, don't worry you know that you got me

2006-06-02T09:58:00.000+08:00

i completely wasted this week. didn't get ANY work done at all. argh. now that June hols are here, it's hit me on stacey's absence cuz this was usually when we spent the most time with each other doing all our bestfriend stuff:(

monday: malay A'level paper. met charlie for lunch. fought. went back home. met him again at ikea. went back to his place. got back home at 1am.

tuesday: went to charlie's in the morning. had lunch with ben. chilled till 6. went to the nursery with charles' mum. came home for dinner. bummed the night away.

wednesday: bummed the entire day. dames, ryan p and kyle came over. chilled with them. slept.

thursday: mahjonged at esther's for 6 hours. charlie came to join us at 6:30. went back to charlie's for s'pore idol. leonard and li joined us. they left at 9. went for supper at some prata place with charlie at 11. got home at 12. slept.

how fruitful.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own
We don't need anything or anyone

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace to remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
I just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

2006-05-30T21:11:00.000+08:00

the past week's been pretty hectic. mostly because i had people from sydney staying at my place over the weekend. an awesome weekend i might add. ryan and i surprisingly got along really well with the son and daughter. the guy(yatmund) was 20 and the girl(bianca)18. they're of a dutch-indian mix and apparently the 4 of us use to play together when we were really young. i seriously don't remember. well on friday, we took them to chips first before heading to mos after. i met terry and jenny at chips. been ages since i've seen them. the 4 of us then went to ministry with ross and jared. i swear, i had a fucking good time there. it's been so long since i've had a good clubbing night. brings me back to attica and gotham days with evan and debo. haha. bianca got smashed by 3 so yatmund and i had to send her home but i ended up barfing in the cab too so we both stayed home while yatmund went back to meet ryan and the rest. june hols are finally here. yay! well i'm to spend this entire month mugging. i've got so much to catch up on it's so not funny. just 6 months left and hopefully, i'll be off to melbourne for a month or so for many many nights of clubbing with andrea and co. it's just a matter of time.

rekindle this flame that burned so brightly before

going.....going.....gone?

2006-05-22T20:47:00.000+08:00

today's just one of those days where you feel like everything in your life has gone wrong. you just feel so unloved, so uncared for, so unwanted, so underappreciated, so stupid and basically, your self-esteem had just about hit rock bottom. sigh. you look around for comfort and it's like no one understands you and everyone just thinks you're crazy. maybe i'm just pmsing but the feelings are still real. i wish things were like before. i miss my old friends. stace, kris, palts, soph, shiela, jo, ara, debo. we always found comfort in one another and we never needed to explain ourselves cuz we always had this unspoken understanding. i guess we really don't know what we've got till we've lost it. are we that ignorant that we only appreciate the things around us once it's gone? i guess we are. come home stacey. i need you so much.

if music be the fruit of love, play on......please play on.

2006-05-21T21:47:00.001+08:00

Shakespeare Night of Fools and Madmen on friday was a success. yet again, everyone managed to pull it off given sucha short period of time. after the show, we spent almost the entire night clicking away with our cameras. some of us in the English Class stayed back to just chill in the music room. mark entertained us with piano pieces of the top of his head. i swear, that guy is bloody amazing. i mean he sings, plays the piano, the drums AND the guitar. how hot is that?!!? we're gonna marry him aren't we fan?? haha. ms thiang tried to teach us belly dancing but it just wasn't working out. it was past midnight and we finally decided to clean up and get out of school. everyone left for home except audrey, mr rozells, anand, kabi, isa, kelvin and i. the 7 of us took a cab down to Cafe Iguanas for half price margaritas sponsored by mark rozells. we all just chilled and talked about our past experiences. poor kelv couldn't drink cuz his body's going through this phase of rejecting alcohol. just a sip or even a whiff of it makes him feel like regurgitating. poor thing. he became so paranoid that he kept asking me to try his sprite cuz he was convinced that there was alcohol in it. so cute. at about 3am, kelv, mark rozells and i headed home while the other 4 went for sheesha at sahara. i'm really gonna miss hanging out with the guys once the A levels draws closer:(

yesterday was family day. woke up at about 1pm and went for ballet. finally. it was about time i turned up. think Ms Ho really missed me. haha. after which the parents came to pick me up and we went for mass at olps. the priests who did the sermon was pretty good. he spoke about the Da Vinci Code which was really interesting. for once, i paid attention throughout the full duration of it instead of watching my finger nails grow. we bumped into aunty may, aunty anne, aunty madonna and uncle alvin at church so we all went for dinner at this german restaurant called Werners Oven along siglap road. ian, darryl and pam joined us too. aunty may kept pestering me from across the table on who i'm going out with and aunty anne didn't make things any better by mentioning tim. i mean, couldn't they have chosen a better conversation topic??? or at least asked me about it when my dad wasn't around. not that he minds all that much but it's just akward. after dinner, we went outside to check out darryl's new car seat. can't believe he spent over a 1000 bucks on just one of it. pam, darryl and ian went down to town while the rest of us went back to my aunty's place for wine and chocolate. i slept on the Lazy Boy only to be woken up at 1ish to go home. yet another unproductive saturday.

a hold of a finger

2006-05-14T15:00:00.000+08:00

i had my malay paper yesterday. it was terrible!! i could barely understand anything. anyway, after the paper, i went over to charles' place cuz my poor darling was down with a fever. his birthday was the next day and of all the times he had to fall sick now. he's not very prone to illness. i had lunch with his family and stayed with him till about 4pm. miraculously, his fever subsided from 39 degrees to 37 degrees. it was probably cuz of my presence. haha. i then headed back home to get ready for Mother's Day dinner at granny's.

i reached there at about 9:30 with ryan. we would have been there earlier but our squabblings slowed us down. dinner was like always and i just basically spoke to hazel cuz she's leaving for sydney in 2 weeks. sniff sniff. family gatherings are gonna be much worse now with just ryan and i left. after an hour, my parents dropped me off at charles' place cuz he was having a little get-together birthday thing with his regulars since he was too sick to go anywhere. we all just sat around, watched tv, had pizza, drank wine and basically just made a lot of noise. i think im getting use to being around his regulars. it's not as akward as it was the first time. i met greg there too who knows some of the Netto's and is pretty close to kyle. small world eh? at midnight, mel came out with a slice of cake and a candle and then it was present opening. oh my god...you wouldn't believe what his regulars bought him...a freaking TELEVISION SET! i know!! i mean who the hell does that?!?!?! haha. mark gave him a beer drinking hat which suits him so well. he looked so cute! haha. i refused to let charles' open my present yet cuz it was WAY too anti-climax. i mean all i got him was a Levi's belt and a card. nothing compared to the tv. i know, i know, it's not much and i feel really bad but i've been exceptionally low on cash. i promise i'll make it up to you. His regs left at about 1ish and i stayed on to spend time with him. we talked and listened to music but after a while, he got restless and i got tired so we slept and i woke up at 3:30 to go home. i was so damn tired that i slept till 1:30pm and now i have a ton of overdue assignments. argh.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHARLES! MWAH!

2006-05-11T20:47:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired and stressed out. physically, mentally, financially and emotionally. this week's been really fucked up.

i had 2.4 today. i nearly died like literally. i think it's been nearly a year since i last ran. i knew i should have trained over the months instead of taking my morning stroll around the track with fan and esther almost every P.E. lesson. haha. i've been having this perpetual problem with my contacts. i honestly don't know what it is but it leaves me walking around school half blind. that probably explains that throbbing headache i've been having. to make matters worse, i haven't been feeling good the past few days. i get this sudden onset of a fever and flu and then it disappears only to return a few hours later. i think it's the weather.

school's been terrible. hours are long and how extremely unprepared i am for my A's has finally dawned on me. to top it off, i got a week to choreograph a dance for Shakespeare Night this friday. i'm mentally drained. there's just so much to do and yet so little time. i don't even know where to begin.

i never thought this would happen but money's become such an issue with me. i'm so broke it's really not funny. honestly, i really don't know where it all disappears to. over the past 2 weeks, i've spent 250 bucks. crazy right? it's not like i went shopping or anything. it's just that i've been paying for so much stuff in school and getting all my necessities that i'm now left with 50 bucks for the rest of the month and i've still got my ez-link card to top up. there goes 40 bucks...ARGH! i've been surviving the past week in school with a sandwich a day and my new found best friend, the water cooler. it's tough running for over 8 hours on this but i'm getting use to it. it's come to a point where i rush home after school just so i can eat. my bad diet probably explains why i've been falling sick lately. i need an advance in my allowance. pronto!

i've been feeling really emotionally fucked up with everything that's been going on. i can't exactly point fingers at anyone cuz i think i've brought it upon myself. my insecurities are to be partly blamed for the condition i'm in. why am i so afraid to ask? can i trust you enough to not make me feel even worse than i already do? what if your reaction is not what i expected? wouldn't that make things even worse off for me? i guess it's a classic case of once bitten, twice shy. i'm so afraid to reveal what actually runs through my head. can you handle it? i guess my blog's probably the closest thing you get to my thoughts which explains why you want access to it. i don't blame you cuz trying to get any form of my thought process out of me is like trying to get water out of a stone. i'm sorry but just give me time. it's come to a point where i'm so fearful of the answers that i end up answering it myself and feeling depressed. why did i come back for you today? i should have just left. i mean you walked off so far ahead i guess it really didn't make a difference to you if i was there or not. i was tired, depressed, hungry, uncomfortable...i should have just gone home. it wasn't like you made the situation any better since all i got from you was criticism.

i've become an emotional wreck. just cuz i carry a smile doesn't mean things are all peaches and cream in my life. it just means that i bottle up my emotions really well but somehow, the person i least expected knew something was not quite right with me. yesterday, mark tan kept asking me why i seemed so down but i tried to cover it up by laughing it off and he was like "no. there's something bothering you. you seem different. i can see it in your eyes." he continued to stare into them and it felt like he was prying into my thoughts. i casually brushed it off as sore eyes and then walked off. there's something about this man that fascinates me. what does run through your mind Mr Tan?

i bite my lips and try hard not to cry....there are people who are much worse off out there.

2006-05-10T21:23:00.000+08:00

i've been analysing the relationships of the people around me, inclusive of myself and i've realised that love is far more complicated and complex than i thought. why can't it just be as simple as "if you feel A and you do B and show C, then you're in love!". tough luck. it's not. i mean how do you know if you truly love someone or better yet, how do you know if THEY truly love you? there's just so many different ways. they couldn't all spring from love right? i mean, you've got those who say they're in love for the sake of saying it but don't feel it or show it, then there's another group who say and show it but don't feel it cuz of some sort of ulterior motive and then you've also got the ones who claim to feel it and never say or show it and various other combinations...catch my drift? the only logical explanation i can decipher from all of this would be that it only happens because of the conflicting heart and mind. i mean one does things without thinking and the other does things without feeling. no prizes for guessing what does what. i guess the true meaning of love is what you eventually make it out to be. it's like this indescribable feeling you have within you which no one but you would ever understand. the hardest part of it all would probably be attempting to convey something so intangible into words. your failure to express the full extent of it would seem like your love is insufficient but if you kept it inside, wouldn't it be just as good as not feeling it at all? contradicting don't ya think?

as paradoxical as it is...you are cruellest to the ones you love.

2006-05-06T11:24:00.001+08:00

so i've started my whole study room routine now. i hope it does me some good cuz i just simply can't study at home. it's either i end up on the com, on the phone or even better yet, sleeping.

school ended early on wednesday...well actually it didn't. i just skipped dance. well anyway, esther, fan and i went all the way to changi airport with castz 5 (hui yi, si hui, germaine, ming min and jolyn) just for popeyes. haha. we had to undergo walking in the hot sun to find the damn bus stop and getting wet in the bus cuz the roof was leaking. i guess it was all worth it afterall cuz the food was so damn good!! the girls then took me on my first skytrain trip. haha. i was so excited but it ended just as fast as it started:(

i skipped malay class on thursday and went to meet bren at kovan mrt cuz he has tuition near my school. we took a 153 and i bitched with him all the way to toa payoh where he was suppose to be alight but since i wasn't done with my stories, he ended up sending me home. haha. he's sucha darling.

yesterday, like every other friday was early day. i got home at about 2 and slept till 5. i went to meet charles later at clarke quay mrt where he waited for me for like 45 mins after work...sorry baby!:) we dined at chinatown and then went back to his place for a bit cuz he needed to get ready to go to MOS with his mysterious homies. i swear i'll meet them one day! we left his place about 10 plus and walked out into this whole mob of chanting potong pasir residents. i swear, i was shit scared. it felt like war was gonna break out any second. we bumped into ashwin while squeezing thru the crowd. charles went to meet his mysterious homies while ash waited with me for my bus. the 142 was taking too long so we walked down to the NEL. he had so much to tell me that he ended up following me all the way to dhoby ghaut. haha. ok my tummy's growling.

don't wake me from this dream

2006-05-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

this weekend was alot better than usual. friday started off pretty shit. i was planning to stay home and get some work done but apparently that didn't happen as usual.

i started saturday off by going down to my study room to get some work done. i managed to clear up some of my overdue assignments and then headed upstairs to get ready for ballet. god, it's been ages since i've gone. i headed home after and then dropped by dan ryan's for a bit to have a chat with debo. bo, i really miss post-O'level days:( . i went to meet shalzinie after for some drinking at Desire. it was just gonna be the 2 of us cuz it's been ages since we've had a proper conversation. Desire was pretty shit cuz they have no fucking seats unless you buy a bottle. argh! i've never stood in the same spot in a club for so long. VJ was suppose to come at 1 and then i was suppose to head over to charlie's place after he was done jonging but as indian timing goes, VJ came at 2 and baby was tired of waiting up for me so i let him sleep and went home.

yesterday i went for dinner at Hooters with charles and his friends cuz it was Mark's birthday. it wasn't as akward as i thought it would be. i guess it's just a matter of getting use to. as part of the birthday celebration, the Hooters' girls dressed Mark up as one of them complete with make up. he looked like a drag queen. haha. evangeline was working that night but unfortunately, we couldn't get a discount of any sort tho the guys did get a hell of a view everytime she bent down to talk to me. haha. after Hooters, we all drove down to Liquid Kitchen at Serangoon Gardens for some beer. the girls left after a bit so i was stuck with the 5 guys. we finished our beers and Mark dropped charles and i at charles' place. we chilled out there and had probably one of the closest things to a heartfelt conversation. the last time i remember doing this was christmas with the aid of some alcohol. i dunno, i guess there's just something comforting about lying in bed in near-darkness with our only source of light coming from the corridor outside. we spoke about alot of stuff and of course there were times when i got pissed off but in the end it was all good, as always. i think we're beginning to understand each other more and that's why we're starting to fight a lot less now over petty things. things are actually working out for the both of us. i guess all we really needed was just time.

you don't give me what i want......but what i need

2006-04-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

*Note: The previous post was deleted as it was due to a misunderstanding

yesterday was me and baby's 3rd month anniversary. so we finally reached out 1/4 mark despite all our trials and tribulations. our relationship's just too unique to let go off. i mean how many couples actually spend hours arguing over which is better, a zen neon or an ipod nano or run around the house playing LAPD with a rubber band gun or argue over who knows more words in the English Language. it's hard to find someone who you can be so comfortable with and act like a complete idiot knowing that they wouldn't think any less of you and that's exactly what we have.

i went over to charl-o's place at about 2pm with breadtalk and the da vinci code which apparently i'm suppose to read to him. after the zen neon and ipod nano debate, we headed down to his new place with his mum cuz the contractors were coming in for measurements. met his mum's close friends there who are helping them with the place. nice bunch of people. when all was done, we went back to his place at about 4 and had lunch and then chilled in his room after. i was suppose to watch V for Vendetta but the quality was really bad and i missed the first part of the show*ahem! so we turned it off and played Scrabble. haha. i think it's been nearly 8 years since i've played a board game. due to somebody's limited vocabulary, he formed 3-letter words and eventually won. sickening.

we were pretty much bored out of our mind by the time it reached 8pm and wanted to go out so we desperately searched through our phonebook and called up some people. everyone seemed to be busy or weren't picking up but we finally managed to get palti. we went down to the hawker centre for dinner and started this whole psychological discussion which turned into a fight by the time we got into the train at potong pasir. the fight lasted all the way till we met palti at cuscaden. i swear, me and charles are just so alike that we get at each other. anyway, we bumped into rishi, justin and steph at the patio so we joined them for a bit cuz me and rishi had to discuss the whole ryan issue. i swear, guys are almost just as sensitive as girls are if not, worse. rishi and co. left for another bar to watch a soccer match while me, charlie and palti stayed on. we basically just talked about palti's problems (ref. to her blog) and tried to help her out with it since charles and i are now Dr. Phil and Oprah Winfrey respectively. haha. bo came to join us after work. we had a few jugs of beer and then caught a cab home. i think this was probably the 1st anniversary we both spent together cuz we're always too busy. baby got his NS letter today. he's going in in september:( goodbye rod monteiro and hello cancer patient. haha. i love you.

a sensible man will never fall in love

2006-04-20T19:33:00.000+08:00

i'm so beat. my common tests just finished today. yay!! after our paper, i went with fan and esther for lunch at KFC and then joined jolyn, si hui and hui yi for some bitching at hong kong cafe. it's amazing how many times i have to repeat the same stories. haha. well at about 1, i went down to town with esther for some shopping which turned out just as unproductive as the last time. i bumped into ryan tseng and naresh at lido who just finished their first day in poly. haha. so cute. fan joined us later and we went to watch Take The Lead. man that show is fucking awesome! i feel even more inspired to take up ballroom dancing and i swear i will after A's. it's like throughout the whole 2 hours, my heart kept racing cuz the dancing was just so captivating. sigh. aden met us after and then we went walking around the whole of far east for what felt like hours cuz i couldn't find the perfect bag:( but i found the perfect bra:) but i didn't have enough money to buy it:( haha. i got home not too long ago and was greeted by a letter from stace and like the last letter i got from her, i cried. god i miss her so so much it's unimaginable. i really wish you were here right now. there's so much i wanna tell you but writing and emailing just isn't the same as having you in person right in front of me to spill my heart to. i know you're having a hard time there but don't worry, it's just a few more months and then before you know it, you'll be back with the 10 of us at holland v's starbucks for C&C. if it makes you feel any better, i haven't seen the gang either since your departure. farrer's been so lonely without you. i miss you fats! no one understands me like you do. ok i'm gonna grab some dinner and then if i've got enough energy, i'll reply to stace's letter. if not, tmr it is.

and for that second............i saw us.

2006-04-16T19:13:00.000+08:00

been talking to fan lately about people's history and i've realised that we're almost the same in that area. we both can not "don't mind the past" (from fan's blog). somehow i just can't tell myself "leave the past behind. what has happened has happened". maybe for awhile i'll be able to convince myself on that but it's just a matter of time before it all comes back to haunt me. i know i'm just bringing it upon myself by thinking about it but i just can't help it. sometimes it even comes to a point where i can just lie in bed for hours just thinking about someone's past and imagining what had happened until i fall asleep depressed. what makes it even worse is the fact that there's nothing i can do about it but accept it, as difficult as it is. reassurance would help a great deal but what i really need is for you to say that it never ever happened, that you never felt the way you did and that you never did the things that you did. ha! who am i kidding? that's like asking for a unicorn for christmas. it's never gonna happen.

2006-04-15T17:39:00.000+08:00

this blog is well due for an update. nothing much has been up lately. just the usual school and what not. got into a fight with my dad a couple of days back over skipping school. due to my apparent rebellion, i got my phone line cut but it's all up and working now. sorry if ya'll couldn't contact me on wednesday.

after more than 3 years of absolutely no contact whatsoever, i developed this sudden urge of curiosity to find out what's been going on with your life. sure enough, i stumbled across your online diary which surprisingly, still remains. till this day, i'm still mesmerized by your writings. you somehow manage to create magic with the English Language. it's beautiful. i see my literature teacher has met his match.

however, it is only now that i see the underlying meaning which has been long concealed behind those words. i guess being a lit student has helped me read between the lines and not take things from face value. due to lack of exposure 3 years back, i use to dismiss your works as mere ramblings about life. i've now concluded that you're nothing but a child trapped in a body of a man. no one understands you. i bet you don't even understand yourself. you seem to go about aimlessly in life reminiscing about your past, just waiting for Death to save you from this apparent pain and suffering. it is all probably just a figment of your imagination from your deranged mind. like a child, you crave attention by attempting suicide. you want to leave this world but yet you want to stay. schizophrenia indeed.

you speak of this mask which many seem to hide behind because they fear the thoughts of people if they were to reveal their true identity but don't you realise you're merely talking about yourself? hypocritical don't you think? your dedicated readers who frequent your diary leave messages of love, encouragement etc. but if only they could remove this mask and see the bona fide man that i've seen. your diary would then be collecting dust. maybe this is why you hide behind this false pretence of being someone you're not. then only would people take you seriously. pathetic.

a lover you had once disappointed and hurt unintentionally has caused you to evolve into this vindictive fiend of love. you now lead innocent women on claiming to love them. as time progresses, without their own knowing, they fall into this trap of deceit and lies unable to escape. it is then that you deny this love. malice reigns in your blood. i've seen it in your eyes. your writings may to some extent ease your heart but it is your mind that is greatly disturbed. therapeutic help seems to be your sole saviour for the thoughts in your head which will soon be the perpetrator of your own self-destruction.

the name of this man i do not wish to disclose for we let bygones be bygones.

2006-04-09T17:55:00.000+08:00

common tests are in a week and i'm so unprepared. guess i just might not get my 3 A level passes. better luck next time. went over to shalzinie's place last night to chill out. after a stressful week in school, i really needed that break. as usual, i was pissed off at charles cuz he's sucha NEGLECTOR but we made up over there and now things are a lot better. i mean, how long can i possibly stay mad at him? i love the boy. too much for my own good. it's very rare that i can feel this way about someone for sucha long period of time (yes, 5 months is long) isn't that right stace? haha. i usually begin to lose interest after a while and need one of those "tanya stop being a bitch" sort of talks from my darlings (stace, palts etc.) and now it's a whole different story. this is definitely something unlike before. i can't quite put it into words but i feel it inside.

a beauty beyond words
a love beyond time

2006-04-08T11:32:00.000+08:00

i've been sick the past couple of days. got some stupid tonsil inflammation thing which causes me to get a fever at the weirdest times. i really wanna remove em but apparently it may cause me to get sinus or some crap like that. well anyway, i've been trying to keep myself busy by studying considering common tests are in a week. it's not exactly going very well but i've managed to stop bumming around my room for starters. hopefully i'll be able to get my 3 A levels passes this time*crosses fingers*. went shopping with my sweet darlings, estaa and fan yesterday. i don't know what i'll ever do without them. they seriously make my day and give me the most valuable advice. shopping wasn't exactly very fruitful cuz we were rushing from place to place cuz i had to go at 7:30 for penitential service. i ended up leaving with one pair of earrings. ah well. i met liz at church yesterday. she's so bloody adorable and boy do we talk about the weirdest things in church. haha. ok i'm gonna get some econs done.

Sometimes I think about everything that we've been through
And I pray that you would just open your eyes
I love you
And I need you
So please dont throw our love away

Since the day you and I snuck away to be alone
I knew from that night something special went on
It must have been the first kiss, you told me that
Nobody else in the world made you feel this
I felt the same way too, but nothing stays the same
Im sorry for the tears
Im sorry for the pain
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this though you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets just kiss and say goodbye
Cuz I really cant stand the pain to seeing you cry

I've given everything
I loved you endlessly
But when it comes to me
You don't even notice me

All that is mine is yours thats what I said
Treat you with love and respect in every way
You want it, I gave you, you need me, I was there
Now you treat me like if I'm not here
I loved you
I need you, dont wanna let go
If you want somebody else please let me know
Can't take it no more
I feel Im dyin inside
Is this the price I pay for handing you my life?
I know I'm not perfect but I truly cared
So if you wake up one morning and Im not there
Just remember I loved you, it will never be the same
Gave you everything and you threw it all away

I gave you my good and my bad, my heart and my soul
My trust, my money, my time, what more could you ask
From a man even when times were hard
I held out my arms
And held you and even accepted you through whatever weather
But now I feel it we're at the end of the road
Whatever we had now I gotta let go
Nights like this I wish rain drops would fall to cover my tears
Wishing I could replace all those wasted years of loving someone
Who couldn't love me back and now again
I gotta start from scratch but I know I've given you my everything

*courtesy of fanny's blog

2006-04-02T20:16:00.000+08:00

i had planned to stay home to study yesterday but some how that just didn't happen. i ended up just bumming around the house doing anything but work. charlie came over at 1 in the morning to chill out by the pool with me, ryan and lorraine. we were waiting for kyle to come over after work but it turns out he was too tired after sucking dick at his gay bar. haha. lorraine and charles left at about 3ish while i went to bed. today's been pretty laid back. woke up and started on my econs essay but in the middle of it, my sweetheart decides to call me and tell me about a certain somebody who he knows ticks me off so all concentration was lost. she's psycho. period. i went down to orchard later to collect some stuff while my dad and ryan went to pick up my mum from the airport. speaking of which, she just got back. pressie time!

To the killer eyes that invite me to do things
I would have to lie about
And its better now
We are safe
You know i love you more

2006-04-01T13:30:00.000+08:00

i skipped sports day yesterday and went over to granny's to spend some time with her. tho it ended up with me answering the same question from 2 in the afternoon till 9 at night, it was all good. i guess you can't help but begin to lose your memory when you're 89. my dad came over too after work and then we went for stations of the cross. after dinner, daddy dropped me off at charlie's place.

we hung out there for a bit and had our usual annoy each other and then get pissed off and then make up. we left for shalz's place at about 11pm. it was couple's night over there and i finally got to meet shalini's boyfriend, VJ. for some strange reason, my darling boyfriend was so excited on meeting him that he had to change his clothes like 5 times before we finally made it to the door. haha. shalz's cousin, brin was there too with her boyfriend and a while later, their friend audrey came with her boyfriend too. god. that guy had sucha smile. haha. like typical indian women, the girls ended up in the kitchen cooking for our other halfs while the guys just sat on their asses. i think i see my future. haha. we headed out at about 2 and went back to charlie's. i slept there for a bit and got home at 4:30. tho my dad was up, he didn't seem THAT pissed off that i was out till so late. anyway, i'm making up for it by staying home today. mummy's coming back from perth tmr. yay!!

2006-03-27T16:21:00.000+08:00

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be
Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave
So tell me why I keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came
I've been in love
Many times before
But this time it's not the same
I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong...

2006-03-26T16:42:00.000+08:00

STACEY EMAILED ME!!!!! YAY!!!! seeing her email really made my day tho it was short, at least i know she's safe.

went for 1 o'clock novena yesterday with my parents and then we went for my mum's friend's wedding at Eunos. oh my god! her husband was so damn hot! Egyptian guys are steaming! i swear! (Note to Stace: include Egypt in our Europe trip). i went for ballet after and then met kabi and anand at plaza sing. we headed down to boat quay and had dinner at Macs. god! it's been ages since i went out with these 2. we walked over to Sahara and then just chilled out by the river with our sheesha and beer. nem was working last night. it was great seeing him again and yes, we have to meet up soon! well basically the 3 of us just talked the night away about our past, present and future. it was pretty cool. at about 2am, elvis picked me up from there with charles and shub. he dropped me and charles off at charles place where we both just chilled out together. i left at about 4 and caught a cab home.

i think it's time to say goodbye to my weekend outings. it's beginning to affect my studies cuz i end up sleeping till lunch time the next day. i guess i'm gonna stay home for the next few weeks till after common tests 2 and then head out again for a bit and then confine myself at home again. god. the A levels really suck.

it's always better when we're together

2006-03-24T14:22:00.000+08:00

so i've got an asshole of an Econs teacher who shows favourtism like nobody's fucking business and is apparently damn proud of it. i could have fucking socked him in the face today. ARGH! honestly, this guy has got some major ego issues. anyway, it's finally friday. thank god! and now with the new time table, i end school at 12:30. you have no idea how much that means to me considering i've got lessons till 5:30 almost every other day. yes, i despise school. the teacher's are driving me up the wall and it's pure bliss to step out of those wretched gates. i'm suppose to go over to shalzinie's place tonight but at the rate my teacher's are calling my parents, i think i just might be staying home. anyway, it's about time i get down to some proper studying. i'm WAY behind on my work and i've got common tests in a month. it's really not that much time. i gotta do well if not i'll never hear the end of it from those people. ok i'll quit my blabbering and do something about it.

All you have to do is touch my hand
To show me that you understand
And something happens to me
That's some kind of wonderful

Anytime my little world turns blue
I just have to look at you
Everything seems to be some kind of wonderful

I know I can't express this feeling of tenderness
There's so much I wanna say
But the right words just don't come my way
I just know when I'm in your embrace
This world is a happy place
And something happens to me
That's some kind of wonderful...

2006-03-23T20:17:00.000+08:00

so stacey's officially in Japan now. didn't take it too well when she was boarding. i'm much better now but when i least expect it, something reminds me of her and it just triggers the tears off. i know i'll never be completely over the fact that she's not here anymore but i'll some how try to cope with it. you're right guys, 10 months isn't THAT long. it could have been worse.

i decided to skip school today cuz i hadn't done any of my work and i really wasn't in the right frame of mind to get shit from my teachers. went over to charlie's place instead and watched Ali G. we ended up having this stupid wrestling match which obviously I WON due to his lack of stamina. smoke some more lah smoke. then he decided to play LAPD with his rubber band gun*rolls eyes*. as annoying as he is, i just can't seem to hate him. he always makes my day. being there helped me take my mind of stace but the moment i left, it reminded me of how i would always talk to her on the way back home from his place. sigh. i don't know who to confide in anymore. i miss her so damn much.

nearly 5 months and i'm still so crazy about you

2006-03-20T00:05:00.000+08:00

how could i have not seen it before? it wasn't you. it was me. i was the one being the ungrateful bitch. i was the one demanding too much eventhough i knew you were trying your best to make me happy. yes you were right, i was being petty and there's no excuse for the things i said to you. i've finally learnt something from all of this. there isn't only one way of showing you love someone. different people different ways. for all those times that you did show me you care, i chose to ignore it and point out everything you did wrong. i think we've reached yet another milestone in our relationship. a point of realization for me at least who was "oblivious to everything happening around me". i understand you and now i'm beginning to understand myself. things will get better. we will reach our 2 year mark. the bittergourd period is officially over.

you're different from the rest and for once, i'm actually holding on.

2006-03-18T12:42:00.000+08:00

To My Precious Little Angel:

stacey's leaving in 5 days. i can't believe it...it's less than a week! i know ya'll are like "it's only 9 and a half months. she'll be back before you know it" but you just don't understand. she's more than just my best friend, she's my sister. we do everything together and she's probably one of the few people i can count on to always be there...and now she's leaving me. we've grown up together since the first day of Primary 1. from all those ridiculous fights in primary school about who's friends with who to meeting at our Farrer Market playground in the middle of the night for a smoke and a good cry. we've seriously been there for each other through everything and now they're taking my little girl away.

who's gonna take care of you if you get into a fight with your "mum"? who am i suppose to call on when my heart breaks? who are you gonna tell all your most embarassing moments to? who am i suppose to have my spa day with? who's house are you gonna go to for thursday's chicken curry? who am i to call on for lemon barley and meng kee fried rice at the market? who are you gonna sing your out of tune songs with? who am i suppose to have tapioca chips and apple juice with when i swim? who's coffee table are you gonna put your socks under? who are we gonna celebrate our much talked about 18th birthday with?

there's just so much to miss out on over these 9 and a half months and i don't know if i can handle it. i'm gonna miss you so much stace. there's no word in the English dictionary that will be able to describe how i'll be feeling when you're gone. loneliness? nah...it goes way beyond that but till the day you return, i'll be waiting for that little rat face of yours to appear at my door to give me my long awaited squish. don't worry tubby, when you get back, we'll celebrate all our 18th birthday's which you missed out on and we'll have the future we always planned: our Europe trip, being neighbours, our husbands being best friends, our children being best friends etc. be strong penelope and make sure you write, call, email, smoke signals whatever just to let me know you're ok. i love you moses.

Listen little child, there will come a day
When you will be able, able to say
Never mind the pain, or the aggravation
You know there's a better way, for you and me to be

Look for a rainbow in every storm
Fly like an angel, heaven sent to me

Goodbye my friend (I know you're gone, you said you're gone,but I can still feel you here)
It's not the end (gotta keep it strong before the painturns into fear)
So glad we made it, time will never change it

Just a little girl, big imagination
Never letting no-one take it away
Went into the world, what a revelation
She found there's a better way for you and me to be

Look for a rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love's gonna be there for you
You'll always be someone's baby

The times when we would play about
The way we used to scream and shout
We never dreamt you'd go your own sweet way

You know it's time to say goodbye
And don't forget you can rely
I will help you on your way
I will be with you every day

2006-03-17T04:54:00.000+08:00

so i'm up at 5 in the morning waiting for this huge file to transfer over to my friend. haven't been sleeping well the past 3 nights inclusive of this one. after being awaken by countless number of phone calls on tuesday night, i ended up on the phone with my friend till 5:30 in the morning cuz i couldn't get to sleep. my bitches came over yesterday for stacey's farewell slumber party. it's been ages since we had a stayover at my place and it was great! had pizza, shepherd's pie and wine for dinner followed by our usual chilling out in the balcony once the parents were asleep. ryan p and dames came over too so there were like 11 of us squeezed into my balcony. jo and soph fell asleep after awhile so the rest of us just stayed up and discussed certain issues. secrets that were hidden were revealed. it's nice to sit around and open up to the people who you are not only close to but understand you too. at about 6am, we decided to get some sleep so 7 of us squeezed into my bed. it was a pretty tight squeeze*wink. haha(jo got the baywindow to herself). legs and arms were everywhere and finally at 7, bo and soph left for school so there was a lot more space.

We woke up at around lunch time and had sausages and eggs, courtesy of jo and then me, stace, palts, shiela and ara headed down to the pool while jo went home. we played Gladiator and then these ridiculous games in the baby pool. haha. then we had our try hard swimsuit model photoshoot. swimsuits? yes. models? nah...except for ara cuz she looked so damn good!! we headed back up to shower and then me, stace and palts walked down to the market for tea/dinner. the other 2 went back. i got home at around 6pm and totally passed out till 11pm.

i got a dental appointment later today. i'm so excited!! yay!!! i love the dentist. god, i've got this thing that's beginning to grow on my right eyelid. it isn't very obvious but it hurts like a bitch. apparently if it continues to grow and doesn't go away, i gotta go for an open eye op...AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! i've since adopted the name Cystina thanks to ryan. sickening fool. k i'm outta here.

2006-03-13T15:42:00.000+08:00

things are so amazingly beautiful now. i don't exactly know how to put it into words but things have seriously changed. it's great. i spent the past 2 nights with you and i don't think it gets any better than this. despite our little tiffs here and there over trivial matters, everything has been near perfect. last night wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. things were awfully akward at first. just to have you in sight would make my heart race like crazy but as the night progressed and after a few glasses of wine, i began to calm down. we got along perfectly well and it was as if there was no history to consider. thank god. so now that i've finally overcomed one of my greatest fears in this relationship, it's about time you meet MY entire family - blood and non-blood.

All the gold in all the world
Is nothing to possess
If all the things that it can bring
Can't add up to one ounce of your happiness

And for your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me and I'll be right there

A diamond that shines
Like a star in the sky
Is nothing to behold
For minuscule is any light
If it can't like you brighten up my soul

I could have never fathomed this
Such joy, love and tenderness
That you give to me
For the love I feel inside
It's so wonderful I can't hide
And I glow,
With just the thought of you