Wednesday, September 20, 2006
i think i'm clairvoyant or something. 2 days ago, i was thinking about charles' bestfriend (just a random thought, don't think otherwise) and then suddenly i get this message from this unknown number that said "hey tanya...how are you?" and i was like "good...who's this?" and just as i had unknowingly predicted, it was ben! and then later on in the day, i was stuffing my face with this really good hotdog and i was just thinking about how fan would make fun of me and call me a pig, so i turned to my phone, about to call her, and at that second, she started calling me. i guess i could have passed these 2 instances off as pure coincidence but then when i was on the way home today, i started thinking of stacey's grandma and how i haven't seen her for years and then when i looked out the window, there she was, the old lady walking her dog. fortune telling, a possible career perhaps?
had my lit paper 8 today. it was quite alright except i spent too much time planning and less time writing. think my brain was still on hibernation mode.
my unseen prose was an extract from Secrets by Catherine Lim. a rather thought-provoking story i must say. somehow i saw myself in it. it's basically about a wife who finds some stuff of her husband's and pesters him about it on what it all means and he refuses to tell her. she gets all hysterical and attempts to kill herself cuz she couldn't stand the fact of not knowing, so he finally decides to reveal all. the secret was about this woman whom he loved (and still does) with all his heart. she died 5 years ago and had left him the stuff which his wife had found. sounds pretty simple right? but there was this part that really struck me, the husband and the wife had been married for 20 years and when she asked him "do you love her more than me?" he was like "yes, i love her more than anything in this world". it was then that it dawned on me that all those times when i use to have those thoughts, i wasn't being paranoid or absurd or whatever you might want to term me as, stuff like this does and can happen. i mean, sheesh, they were married for 20 YEARS and he could say it to her face that he loved another woman more than her? i know i know, it's just some story conjured up by some Singaporean writer but aren't stories usually based on some form of real life? (i'm guessing this one was interpretive literature). i don't know why but i just felt this sudden pang when i read it and all those suppressed thoughts came flowing back. it's like i had gone back to those days. the days when i had convinced myself that i just wasn't good enough and that perhaps time would make things better. but it seems like, according to this extract, that time was never a factor. i guess there's just some emotions that don't die with the ticking of the clock. was I right before and in denial now?how it feels so reallying here with no one nearonly you, and you can hear mewhen I say softly, slowlyhold me closercount the headlights on the highwaylay me down in sheets of linenyou had a busy day today
im in a dilemma at
1:54 PM
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