i had 2.4 today. i nearly died like literally. i think it's been nearly a year since i last ran. i knew i should have trained over the months instead of taking my morning stroll around the track with fan and esther almost every P.E. lesson. haha. i've been having this perpetual problem with my contacts. i honestly don't know what it is but it leaves me walking around school half blind. that probably explains that throbbing headache i've been having. to make matters worse, i haven't been feeling good the past few days. i get this sudden onset of a fever and flu and then it disappears only to return a few hours later. i think it's the weather.
school's been terrible. hours are long and how extremely unprepared i am for my A's has finally dawned on me. to top it off, i got a week to choreograph a dance for Shakespeare Night this friday. i'm mentally drained. there's just so much to do and yet so little time. i don't even know where to begin.
i never thought this would happen but money's become such an issue with me. i'm so broke it's really not funny. honestly, i really don't know where it all disappears to. over the past 2 weeks, i've spent 250 bucks. crazy right? it's not like i went shopping or anything. it's just that i've been paying for so much stuff in school and getting all my necessities that i'm now left with 50 bucks for the rest of the month and i've still got my ez-link card to top up. there goes 40 bucks...ARGH! i've been surviving the past week in school with a sandwich a day and my new found best friend, the water cooler. it's tough running for over 8 hours on this but i'm getting use to it. it's come to a point where i rush home after school just so i can eat. my bad diet probably explains why i've been falling sick lately. i need an advance in my allowance. pronto!
i've been feeling really emotionally fucked up with everything that's been going on. i can't exactly point fingers at anyone cuz i think i've brought it upon myself. my insecurities are to be partly blamed for the condition i'm in. why am i so afraid to ask? can i trust you enough to not make me feel even worse than i already do? what if your reaction is not what i expected? wouldn't that make things even worse off for me? i guess it's a classic case of once bitten, twice shy. i'm so afraid to reveal what actually runs through my head. can you handle it? i guess my blog's probably the closest thing you get to my thoughts which explains why you want access to it. i don't blame you cuz trying to get any form of my thought process out of me is like trying to get water out of a stone. i'm sorry but just give me time. it's come to a point where i'm so fearful of the answers that i end up answering it myself and feeling depressed. why did i come back for you today? i should have just left. i mean you walked off so far ahead i guess it really didn't make a difference to you if i was there or not. i was tired, depressed, hungry, uncomfortable...i should have just gone home. it wasn't like you made the situation any better since all i got from you was criticism.
i've become an emotional wreck. just cuz i carry a smile doesn't mean things are all peaches and cream in my life. it just means that i bottle up my emotions really well but somehow, the person i least expected knew something was not quite right with me. yesterday, mark tan kept asking me why i seemed so down but i tried to cover it up by laughing it off and he was like "no. there's something bothering you. you seem different. i can see it in your eyes." he continued to stare into them and it felt like he was prying into my thoughts. i casually brushed it off as sore eyes and then walked off. there's something about this man that fascinates me. what does run through your mind Mr Tan?
i bite my lips and try hard not to cry....there are people who are much worse off out there.
im in a dilemma at 8:47 PM